My Turf

I read in the amazing book, Passion Test (yeah, I’m so into positive-thinking-go-after-your-passions books nowadays) that if you’ve finally determined what it is that you want, then you will be tested. How much do you really want it?

After I closed the UNFPA Photo Journal project, I let go of my jobs as manager of Creative Services—without a moment’s hesitation, without second thoughts. Close to half a year since I resigned, there was never even a single day that I regretted my decision.

The first two months that followed my resignation were filled with back-to-back travels to places in the North and South of Luzon, and two provinces in Visayas. Had the UN not been fearful about our safety, we had a planned trip to Davao as well that was scrapped at the last minute (after all, our visit was initially scheduled at a time close to the ARMM elections—UN did not want any of their employees or consultants to be part of someone’s campaign fund, if you know what I mean).

The project timetable was just crazy.  At the end of my last trip which was in Bohol, I had about five huge laundry bags of unwashed clothes (and this is without exaggeration!) Kasi dahil dikit-dikit ang mga biyahe namin, ni hindi ko na nga ina-unpack ang bags ko! I just take out the dirty clothes, replace them with clean ones, and off I’d go again! In between trips, the very short period that we’re in Manila was spent transcribing interviews, finalizing the book outline, and drafting the stories.

Nonetheless, it was not the exhaustion or the unbelievable schedule that stressed me out–and it did so in such grand manner that when the book was launched last November 12 (see our photographer and layout artist Patrick’s blog about it), I did not even bother to attend.

The reason? Never in my life had I ever felt so insulted. I honestly could not remember a single time when I seriously, seriously questioned how I fare as a writer as much as I did while we were in the middle of the writing process.

In hindsight, I guess it all just boils down to the lead writer and I having very different ideas about how the stories ought to be written. She wanted the write-ups very, very short. I did not want them long, but I wanted them long enough to be able to capture the essence of each town’s lessons. There was even one time she was correcting a sentence in one of the write-ups, she said something about “dangling modifiers.” I asked, “Ano po yung ‘dangling modifiers’?” because I really had no idea what the friggin’ term means. She said, “Paano ka naging writer kung di mo alam ang dangling modifiers?!” I just smiled, but deep inside I was thinking, “I haven’t memorized every rule in every grammar book, but I write just fine, thank you very much.”

The first few times, I felt bad. Then awful. And when I heard her tell Patrick who is also the team’s layout artist to delete the entire book introduction I wrote, which the team leader hasn’t even read and simply doesn’t trust to be okay for presentation and asked him to put in your handy Lorem Ipsum Dolor (for the sake of those unfamiliar with layout basics, this is what artists temporarily put in dummy layouts when copies are not yet available)…Gawd, I felt terrible.

At first, I questioned if I did fuck up my write-ups. Did I really come up with trash? But I re-read the drafts I submitted and tried to see them the most objective way I can. Do these really suck? A second, third, fourth look tell me they don’t. If there’s one trait I am very grateful I have is that I could be totally honest with myself. When I realize I simply fell short, I hurt myself so much more, in many different ways, than others could. Nonetheless, I also know when I deserve a pat on the back and I give myself that too.

After long (and daily) introspections, I realized that our writing styles differ because we have different work orientations. The very reason I was tapped for this project was because the initial team lineup was composed of mainly technical writers and researchers—those who put together reports, theses, analyses, etc. They contacted me because they needed a creative writer, knowing full well that the stories in a photo journal could not be written in a technical manner, lest the book would become no more than a thesis with photos.

Then I surmised that that must be the reason why it seemed to them like I’m dishing out sucky articles! Baka iba nga lang ang manner and discipline ng writing ng mga technical writers. The style they use is more formal, the style, the grammar, punctuation and everything else more stringent.

I remember the time when I was still working in an NGO. The Executive Director, Al, would tell me, in so many words, that my writing style is not up to par. Never directly, of course, but he’d always heave a long sigh or roll his eyes after reading something I wrote. Editing my articles meant ‘butchering’ them. Sometimes, the ‘corrected’ output would be nothing like what I originally wrote, with only my name in the byline left unchanged. I once wrote a script for an AVP—and I thought video-writing is already my specialty, my chance to show him that hey, I really could write! Only to have my self-esteem shattered to bits again when he brought in another writer to ‘doctor’ my work. My language is not NGO/activist-ish daw. Don’t get me wrong—Al and I had a pretty solid working relationship. I was the only one in the office who could make the usually high-strung, uptight Al laugh. He’d send me to conduct trainings in faraway provinces (Bayombong in Nueva Vizcaya, Cebu and Davao) by myself, without even glancing at my presentation, telling me, ‘Alam kong kayang-kaya mo yan!’ But when it came to my writing, he never even bothered to conceal his dissatisfaction.

Writing, just like all other art forms, is very subjective. Kaya kung hindi mo kayang lumunok ng batikos o puna o insulto, wag kang magsulat.  When I was new in creative work, iniiyakan ko pa pag may umookray sa gawa ko. I used to take all corrections or dissenting opinions as personal attacks. But then, all those painful experiences taught me that I needed to toughen up. I realized early on that without a change in perspective, this chosen craft is going to kill me, literally and figuratively.

In other fields, there may be countless ways to arrive at an answer, but there is just one answer. You may be dealing with millions, billions, quintillions or whatever unimaginably high figures, using solutions that could vary anywhere from the unbelievably simple to the unbelievably complicated—but there is only one right answer. One correct amount or measure of width, length, strength, weight, radius, or density.

It is not that way with writing or any other creative work for that matter. There is no telling when you are right or wrong, when a work is good or bad.

There are lots of creative work I do not personally like, but then I think to myself, hey, they wouldn’t be published, printed or broadcast if they did not meet more than a few significant people’s approval, right? Hence, as a self-preservation strategy, I have long imbibed the classic belief that there is just no pleasing everybody. It is perhaps crucial for any writer to learn to, from time to time, set aside her writer’s ego and see if she agrees with the commentaries on her work. If it is a commissioned job, you have to apply the corrections even if your entire being vehemently disagrees. But if it is a personal article, like my rants and raves in this blog, then style that’s deliberate just goes out the window.

Writing is, for me, a form of expression. I write because I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t. I write when I’m down. I write when I am close to bursting with sheer joy. I write when I’m angry. I write when I’m excited or just plain intrigued by something. While experiencing any heightened emotion, my instinctive reaction is to grab a pen and paper, or turn on my computer, or if neither is within reach, I get my mobile phone and save notes in the Drafts folder. But then again, maybe all this blogging—this freedom to just write whatever I want, without regard for discipline or form or structure or social niceties—has its disadvantages.

One of the good things about the UN project is that it made me realize how it’s become a bad habit of mine to not reread my work prior to submission. I guess I have become too complacent with my writing. Working on such high-pressure project, with an impossible timetable and sky-high expectations taught me that I needed to learn some good old’ discipline. 

In one text message (and I don’t even understand what the hell ‘inspired’ him to text me that), the head of the field research described the last stories I submitted as “parang hindi gawa ng writer.” But do I sulk and mope and stop writing because of that? Do I call it quits and tell myself, “You’re not cut out for this! Ambisyosa!” Do I update my resume and hurry back to the world of the employed, where I am assured of income every two weeks, my health and life insured, a guaranteed pension when I’m old and gray, with an air-conditioned office and staff to lead?

Hmmm.

Perhaps someday I’ll reconsider. But for now, I’d like to give my dream another try. After all, I’ve invested way too much heart in it already, and giving up this early would be, well… a loser’s way of doing things.

Now, my next target is to take a formal writing course in UP so I could shape up. Then perhaps I’d finally understand what the hell those ‘dangling modifiers’ are!

**End note:

The real reason  did not attend the book launch is that I was not even given credits for writing the stories in Chapter 1. The team leader became the book’s sole ‘Author’ (in fairness to her, sya naman sumulat nung ibang chapters). I stopped questioning how I fare as a writer after this—kasi na-realize kong kaya pala ayaw nyang gamitin yung Intro na sinulat ko kasi sya nga naman ang ‘author.’ I did not even bother asking why I was not credited for the stuff I wrote. The only rebellious thing I did was not attend the book launch. Tama na yun. Naniniwala naman ako sa karma eh. 

Mahirap para sa isang taong puyat na puyat na simulan ang araw ng walang kape.

Si Checheboobear, bagong gising. Nakahiga sa sala habang nag-hihintay kumulo ang tubig sa termos.

Tok-tok-tok!

Kumakatok na si Ate Aida, ang taga-linis at taga-laba na pumupunta sa apartment ko isang beses kada linggo. 12:30 na ng tanghali. Buti na lang dumating sya ng gising na ako, kung hindi, walang magbubukas sa kanya. 

Derecho si Ate Aida sa taas upang simulang linisin ang kwarto kong hindi na umayos kailanman.

Kumikiriring ang cellphone ko. “Crizelle Medoza calling…” sabi sa caller ID.

Si Mama Crizelle, better-half ni Direk Aaron ‘Papin’s, tumatawag.

“Hello?” Aantok-antok ko pang sagot.

Nagulat akong boses ni Papins ang bumati sa akin.

“Nag-check ka na ng email mo?”

“Hindi pa. Baket?”

“Mag-check ka na, bilis.”

“Baket nga?!” Buhay na buhay na ang diwa ko. Nothing like chismis to give me a jolt.

 “Nanalo ka. Sa Filmaka.”

Nag-taasan ang mga balahibo ko,

“Pag ako ginagago mo lang, aawayin kita habang-buhay!”

Patawa-tawa si Papins. “Mag-check ka nga ng email mo! NANALO KA! Nanalo din ako!”

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” (Repeat 100x)

Kasabay ng paulit-ulit na pagtalon, di malayong isipin ng mga kapitbahay kong nababaliw na ako.

59 entries galing sa kung saan-saang bahagi ng mundo. Sino ako para isiping makakasama ako sa entry level winners?

Kung kaibigan kita o nakabasa ka ng ilang mga blogs ko, malamang alam mo nang isa akong panatiko ng positive thinking at Law of Attraction.

May matindi din akong pananalig sa power of prayers, and that the Lord meant it when he promised, “Had I not prepared success ahead of you?”

Ngayon, tutuloy na kami ni Papins sa Jury Level. Sa pagkakaalam ko, 2 lang kaming Pilipinong sumali sa contest for this theme, at naging finalists pa kaming dalawa.

Iba lang talaga yung feeling pag nangyari na yung dating pinapangarap mo lang.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

Ayun lang. To see the final list of winners, just go to the Filmaka site (www.filmaka.com). If you haven’t seen my film or Aaron’s, just search for “Pagtingin” and ”Birthday.”

Congrats, Papins! Congrats, Plus Side team!

Sa lahat po ng nanood at bumoto, MARAMING-MARAMING SALAMAT PO!

“Simulan mo sa hindi magpatahimik sa iyo. Ano ang hindi mo makalimut-limutan? Ang batang gumupit sa tirintas mo? Ang luka-luka sa may tulay? Ang first sex mo na isang linggo na ang nakalilipas ay abot tenga pa rin ang ngiti mo?

 

Magsulat ka sa gilid ng bangin. E ano kung may mabulatlat kang matagal mo nang itinatago tungkol sa sarili mo. Pakawalan mo. Kaya tayo hindi makapagsulat dahil may mga ayaw tayong harapin. Buksan mo.

 

-          Trip to Quiapo,  Ricky Lee

 

 

Sabi ni Ricky Lee, hadlang sa pag-unlad mo bilang manunulat ang mga bagay na ayaw mong harapin. Napa-isip ako. Ano nga ba ang bagay na hindi ko kayang tanggapin sa sarili at lubusang lampasan?

 

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sa iyo, pero sa akin, ito yung mga pangyayari noong taong 1992-1993. 

 

Alam mo ba kung ano ang pakiramdam ng matawag na panget? Naiintindihan mo ba kung gaano ito kasakit, ka-paralyzing?

 

Alam ko.

 

Kasi buong freshman year ko nung high school, wala akong ibang kinain sa buong maghapon kung hindi ang bansag na ‘yan.

 

I-Galileo.

 

Nasa first floor ang classroom namin. Malapit sa hagdanan paakyat sa classrooms ng grade school. Yung dalawang sections ng 1^st year nasa second floor, pero hindi kami pwede doon dahil kaklase namin sina Analyn at Yo-Hun na parehas may walking disability.

 

Hindi ko kailanman makakalimutan ang classroom na ito. Ang puwesto nya sa corridor. Ang kulay abong semento. Mga desks na may plastic cover. The girls’ plaid skirts. The boys’ navy blue pants and oversized shirts.

 

Hanggang ngayon, pag may naririnig akong grupo ng mga lalaking nagtatawanan sa di kalayuan, kinikilabutan ako. Pakiramdam ko ako ang pinagtatawanan nila. May mali na naman ba sa itsura ko?

 

Mahirap maging maitim at pandak na bata sa Pilipinas. Lalo na kung makapal ang kilay mo, sungki-sungki ang ngipin, at para kang pato maglakad.

 

Na-bingo ko lahat ng characteristics na ‘yan.

 

Naging impiyerno para sa akin ang I-Galileo. Eh ano kung mahusay ako sa klase? Sa high school hindi naman mahalaga yun. Nanalo nga ako sa essay-writing contest, wala man lang nag-congratulate sa akin.  

 

Sa pilahan, ako ang nasa unahan dahil ako pinaka-maliit. Isang araw, inaasar ako ng mga kaklase dahil sa maiksi kong palda. Ni-recycle ko lang kasi ito mula sa lumang uniform ko nung Grade 6. Sabi ng classmate kong si James, “Ang iksi ng palda mo! Pero di bale, wala namang titingin dyan eh!” Tapos ginaya at in-exaggerate nya pa kung paano ako maglakad. Naka-usli at taas-baba ang puwet. Tuloy-tuloy niyang ginawa ito mula basketball court kung saan nagsimula ang pila hanggang sa makarating kami sa classroom. Tawanan ng tawanan ang mga kaklase ko. Natuyo na ang luha ko sa kakaiyak at namaos ang boses sa pagmamamakaawang tumigil na sya, pero parang hindi niya ako naririnig.   

 

Hate na hate ko ang pambansang hayop—ang kalabaw. Kasi sinasabi ng mga kaklase ko noon, mukha daw akong kalabaw. (‘Tangina, hanggang ngayon, naiiyak pa rin ako kapag naaalala ko ito.) . Tuwing dadaan ako, may bigla na lang sisigaw ng, “MOOOOOO!”

 

Ayaw na ayaw kong nakakakita ng kalabaw. Ni salitang kalabaw, ayaw kong marinig o mabasa. As a matter of fact, it really takes a lot for me to be able to type this now.

 

Break namin sa klase, kasama ko si Anna Maureen Palanca. Tapos nag manliligaw nyang si John Tan, kumakanta ng Beauty and the Beast. Ituturo niya si Maan bilang Beauty. Hulaan mo kung sino naman yung Beast.

 

Kailanman, hindi ko makakalimutan si Ivan Guacena. Hindi ko alam kung totoong napatawad ko na siya. Malamang wala syang idea na hanggang ngayon, dala-dala ko lahat ng ginawa niya. Baka nga ni hindi na niya ako naaalala. Pero ako, palagay ko hanggang sa pagtanda ko, maaalala ko siya.

 

Siya ang pinaka-malakas sumigaw ng “Mooo.” Siya ang nag-nominate sa akin bilang ‘Muse’ sa klase kasi, wala lang, funny. Siya ang bumabara sa akin tuwing recitation. Lahat ng kilos ko, may maiisip siyang koneksyon sa kapangitan. Malapit siya sa mga boys ng section dahil nakakatawa siya—tuloy, hindi nagtagal, lahat ng kaklase kong lalaki, tulong-tulong sa pagpapaniwala sa akin na ako ang pinaka-panget na tao sa buong ka-first year-an.  

 

There’s only so much pain a 13-year old heart could take. And if you’ve had more than 20 boys telling you everyday, without fail, that you are ugly…well, you just can’t help but believe them.

 

Lumaki akong dala-dala ang insecurity na ito. Hanggang magtapos ng high school. Hanggang magtapos ng college. Marami akong trabahong hindi in-applyan dahil iniisip ko, “Magaganda lang naman ang tinatanggap doon.” Kahit marunong akong magsulat o maayos ako magsalita, hindi ako nag-apply sa sales os sa TV. Isang beses, tinanong ako ng kaibigan at Broad Ass orgmate na si Joann kung baket hindi ko subukang mag-apply sa kumpanya niya bilang real estate agent. Ang sabi ko lang, “Hindi naman ako pwede don.” Baket naman, nagtatakang tanong niya ulit. Hindi na ako sumagot. Pwede ko bang sabihin na, wala naman kasing sales agent na panget.

 

Ayaw na ayaw kong hinihiritan ako tungkol sa itsura ko. Kahit maliit na birong walang kahulugan lang, apektado ako agad. Feeling ko kasi, matagal na panahon na akong naka-quota sa insultuhan sa itsura, at ang kahit anong dagdag dito ay kalabisan na.

 

Minsan, nag-sisintir ako sa isang kabigang lalaki kung baket wala akong love life. I feel so ugly, sabi ko sa kanya. “You’re a beautiful person…inside.” Gusto ko syang pukpukin ng bote. Ayoko ng makarinig ng ‘you’re beautiful inside!’

 

Marami tayong ginagawang hindi natin alam ay may malaking epekto sa kapwa natin. Eh kasi nakakatawa eh. Eh kasi gusto lang namin sumaya ng konti. Eh nagbibiro lang naman ako eh. Malay ba naman ng mga kaklase ko noon na dadalhin ko pa rin hanggang ngayon yung pang-aasar nila?

 

Bawat rejection, bawat palpak na love story, bawat bagay na hindi ko makuha, iniisip ko na kasi ang panget, panget ko. Hindi ako lumalabas ng bahay ng walang make-up kasi ang feeling ko, may mangungutya na naman sa akin dahil sa itsura ko. Minsan, hindi ako makapaniwalang hindi na ako yung high school freshman na araw-araw na lang nagse-self-pity at umiiyak.

 

But I guess there’s freedom in honesty. All my life, I’ve long avoided discussing this with anyone. Kahit sa mga kabarkada ko nung high school, hindi namin ito pinag-uusapan. Para siyang isang open secret na alam ng lahat pero walang nagbabanggit. I tend to shun anything related to the topic. When it is brought up, I’d tell the person, “Stop. It brings back bad memories.”

 

Even now, when those horrible, awful days cross my mind, even in my ‘stay positive’ disposition, I cringe. Ilang minutong pag-pikit ng mata at pagpapa-alala sa sariling hindi na ako 1^st year high school at wala nang lumoloko sa akin, ang kinanakailangan bago ako muling makumbinsing the worst times of my life are over.

 

Gayunpamanm naniniwala pa rin akongang pagiging masaya ay kailangang karirin. Hindi darating ang kaligayahan na parang magic. Nagsisimula ito sa isang desisyon, at sa commitment sa desisyon na yun. At ang commitment na iyan ay hindi mo dapat bitawan, kahit may bagong bwiset na dumating.

 

“Happiness does not come automatically. It is not a gift that good fortune bestows upon us and a reversal of fortune takes back. It depends on s alone. One does not become happy overnight, but with patient labor, day after day. Happiness is constructed, and that requires effort and time. In order to become happy, we have to learn how to change ourselves.”

 

- Luca and Francesco Cavalli-Sforza

 

 

I’ve long decided to let the 1^st year HS Che version go. Come to think of it, she hasn’t bothered me for quite some time—she just haunted me again after I came across those lines from Ricky Lee. Which is a blessing still, actually. As he said, honesty is an essential element in writing. And now, I’m being all-out honest.

 

Kinekwento ko sya sa’yo ngayon ng buong-buo kasi ayaw ko na syang dalhin.

 

Sabi nga nila, mentras natatakot ka sa multo, lalo ka lang nilang tatakutin.

 

Kaya yung mga multo ng I-Galileo, hinaharap ko isa-isa. Ilan nga sa mga kaklase kong isinusumpa ko noon ay matatalik ko nang kaibigan ngayon. At kung babalikan ko yung naging complete turnaround ng buhay ko, from that pathetic 13-year old girl to someone I could actually be proud of now, nagpapasalamat na rin ako because the struggle caused by that experience made the success more meaningful.

 

One of my favorite fictional characters is the film, Gattaca’s Vincent. Vincent was born with so much physical flaws that everybody believed it downright impossible for him to succeed. But he refused to play with the hand he’s dealt with and went on fulfilling his life’s dream. “For the genetically superior,” Vincent said, “…success is easier to attain. But it is by no means guaranteed. After all, there is no gene for fate.”

 

The highlight of the film for me is when he told his girlfriend, Irene, “You are the authority on what is not possible…They have got you looking so hard for any flaw, that after a while, that’s all that you see. For all it’s worth, I’m here to tell you that it is possible. It is possible.”

 

And I agree. Totally.

 

It is possible to get over trauma. It is possible to change people’s views about you. It is possible to change your own views about yourself. It is possible to end the self-flagellation.

 

For all its worth, I’m here to tell you that it is possible.

 

Now, as I busy myself trying to stay happy and looking for ways to give happiness to others, I finally, finally understand that you could somehow forget your own ugliness by focusing on other people’s beauty. And then I finally, finally realize that neither I nor the world I am in is as ugly as I was made to believe.

 

May kalayaan—at kakayahan–tayong pumili ng sarili nating katotohanan. At ang totoo para sa akin ay ito: Nagkalat ang kagandahan sa paligid. Tayo na ang bahala kung saan natin itututok ang ating mga mata. 

Introducing the Youth of Manila

“Nagsawa na ako sa kaka-reklamo tuwing walang makain!” exclaims the lead guitarist of Zone One when asked why he chose to devote his time to community work. Zone One is a group of young leaders in Metro Manila who express their advocacies on Adolescent Reproductive Health through the arts.

Nonetheless, it is not only in Manila that a notable upsurge in the youth’s active involvement in various issues in society could be seen. In small municipalities in different provinces, young men and women are eagerly joining organized efforts aimed at providing assistance to other youth. 

They claim many of them used to be so angry: Angry at their parents. Angry at the society. Angry at the government. Angry at the glaring disparity between the rich and the poor.

But when they were organized and taught about their rights, made aware of their capacities and the extent of assistance they could provide despite the personal difficulties they also face, these young men and women decided it is high time they see beyond their rage and declared, “Enough!”

The success of Zone One is proof that if you have an inspired, revved-up youth rallying for change, then growth couldn’t remain stagnant for long and progress couldn’t be too far off.

 

What it was like before

Some of the boys used to be car thieves. A couple of young women were into prostitution. Many were out of school. Almost, if not all of them were lost, confused, angry and insecure.

Responsible sexuality was unheard of, and teenage pregnancy was on the rise. Living in overpopulated areas fraught by neglect and poverty, the youth of Navotas, Caloocan, and Manila seem poised to remain in the same slump their parents were unable to get out of.

 

Hope springs

Zone One Tondo Organization or ZOTO is a federation of 182 urban poor local organizations in 14 relocation sites in Metro Manila. In existence since the 1970s, its main mission is to economically and politically empower the people in urban poor communities. Prior to its partnership with the UNFPA, the main programs of Zone One Tondo Organization or ZOTO, focused on lobbying efforts to help address issues related to the urban poor’s woes like demolitions, electricity and water supply. When it became part of the UNFPA’s program of assistance, it included gender and reproductive health (RH) in its lineup of programs, with emphasis on maternal and child healthcare.

In early 2000, ZOTO started RH programs as a spin-off of their Gender Equity Program.  They advocated RH through information campaign, education and service delivery in response to the needs of the mothers. With more intensive RH trainings from UNFPA, however, the organizers realized that they need to cover more than maternal needs—it was equally vital to give attention to Adolescent Reproductive Health (ARH).

When the need for ARH was established, ZOTO wasted no time in organizing and mobilizing the youth. The attempt was an instant success.  “You’re dealing with felt needs kasi eh. Mas may acceptance tsaka openness yung communities don sa programs na na-introduce sa kanila, particularly sa reproductive health, kasi  ramdam nila na talagang problema nila yun,” says ZOTO Sustainability Program Officer, Bijo.

Workshops on ARH were conducted. More and more young leaders and volunteers joined in, and the friendships were made ever stronger when a youth center was built. The youth’s creative ideas and talents flourished along with their leadership skills. In almost no time, the empowered members of Zone One are going from one Baranggay to another, performing and conveying their message about RH to other adolescents.              

Gone are the days when the youth could be classified under either of only two categories: passive or aggressive. But with ZOTO’s organizational know-how and generous support from the UNFPA, the youth of Navotas, Caloocan and Manila are no longer seen as nuisances, or causes of the community’s problems, but actual partners in the solution.

Making It Happen

The most recent, and also widely successful, endeavor ZOTO got into in partnership with UNFPA is Zone One, an organization of young leaders and ARH lobbyists. Zone One members demonstrate their involvement on issues in the society through creative means. Through UNFPA, innovative avenues for expression sprouted where there used to be none. “Nakapagbigay ang UNFPA ng mga materyales na magagamit namin sa pag-advocate.  Itong youth center, naging malaking hatak sa mga kabataan upang sumali sa organization. Dito kami nakakapag-practice. Nagkaroon din kami ng art workshops.  Na-enhance din yung relationships, kasi dito namin nakilala ang isa’t-isa,” a Zone One member shares.

Proving that the youth could achieve so much, with enough motivation, given the proper training and equipped with the right tools, the empowered teens of Zone One transformed themselves into a proactive lot—going on Baranggay Tours, advocating ARH through their music and dances, speaking to their fellow youth about ARH and other related concerns. They were also able to record their original song compositions—Zone One is now proud of the three recording albums they have completed since the band was launched.

Perhaps the most significant accomplishment of Zone One—which consequently led to bigger developments for the communities–is how it convinced the youth that they, too, have a crucial role to play in the fight for change.  “Tumaas ang concern sa paligid, sa tao.  Naging responsible.  Aaminin ko kasi, dahil lalaki ako, kapag sa usapin ng sex, gusto lang yari ng yari, di ba?  Nung Field Coordinator na ako, naging responsible ako.  Tumaas ang pang-unawa ko sa buhay,” says another band member.

 

ZOTO’s Gender Equity Program Coordinator, Nini, claims that the success of Zone One could be attributed to the youth’s transformed perception of themselves. “Hindi sustainable kung wala sa hangarin ng tao na mabago ang buhay nya. Nagtagumpay ang Zone One dahil  may ownership sila—‘Ito ay amin.’  Dapat mayroon kang mataas at bukas na kamulatan para tumulong sa ganung paglalakbay.”

Out of school, insecure, financially deprived, born of very poor families who could hardly make ends meet– the future used to seem so bleak for these young men and women. But that was until Zone One helped them realize their untapped potential and taught them how to use their talents to help bring about positive changes in their respective communities.  It is indeed very inspiring to watch them confidently speak and perform in front of large crowds of people they don’t even know. They no longer feel powerless. They are now empowered.

“Masarap maging mulat!” the Zone One peers cry out.

 

“Before UNFPA, you’d seldom see health people explaining family planning, what Reproductive Health is, what are the different contraceptives… Kapag hindi ka pumunta sa RHU to ask, you will not have the information.

-          Lilia Say-awen, Community Organizer, PHSSA

 

Products and services related to reproductive health (RH) had always been available at almost no cost in Rural Health Units (RHU). However, most people in the municipality of Sagada were not accessing them because either they did not know about these services at all, or they did not understand how these could benefit them.

 

Sagada is a small municipality in the Cordillera Region. While natural resources abound, most people are hard-up and have difficulty making ends meet. As parents struggle to provide for the everyday needs of their families, health care often tends to take a backseat.

 

 

The Local Government Unit (LGU) and the Municipal Health Office (MHO) also had a lot on their hands—manpower limitation and financial restraints made it difficult to bring health services down to the communities, especially to those in far-flung barangays. If people wanted access to information and services related to reproductive health, they had to go the Rural Health Units themselves.

 

 

Due to the lack, if not total absence, of education regarding RH, Sagada’s population continued to grow. Before 2005, the risk of maternal and infant mortality remained as 60% of deliveries were done at homes, conducted by untrained Hilot or Traditional Birth Attendants (TBA). People were unmindful of sexually transmitted diseases and other dangers posed by unprotected sex. Among the youth, cases of substance abuse and teenage pregnancy were also on the rise.

 

 

 

Keeping the Faith

 

 

“Anong family planning? Hindi namin kailangan yan. Malawak ang Sagada!

Baket namin kokontrolin? Basta kaya naming buhayin!”

 

 

 

This used to be the common response of many men in Sagada when asked about their stand on family planning. Even with support from the UNFPA and resolute community organizing efforts from the members of PHSSA, positive changes resulting from the information dissemination campaigns in the barangays were not immediately felt. The low reception and people’s reluctance to participate, especially of the men, in the health education seminars conducted by the RHUs in their respective barangays was a major headache for the members of PHYSSA and the Municipal Health Office.

 

 

“Hirap na hirap kami nung una. Ayaw kaming pansinin!” exclaimed Marvie Molintas, community organizer from PHSSA. How to get the men to attend posed a really big challenge to the RH advocates. This was the case in all of Sagada’s 19 barangays, and Barangay Ankileng was no exception.

 

 

Like an answered prayer, however, an unforeseen solution to this long-standing problem knocked on their doors one day. The leaders of the Marriage Ministry of a Presbyterian Church approached their RHU to seek help for a Couple’s Class they’re planning to conduct for the residents of Barangay Ankileng.  “Nagtayo kami ng couple’s class, last year nung 2007. We tapped the RHU para mag-support sila sa chapter namin on Intimacy. Kasi yun ang concern ng mga couples: Gusto nilang maging intimate. Ang problema nga lang, baka manganganak. Kaya sabi ko sa taga-RHU, pagkatapos ng intimacy namin na chapter, magbigay kayo ng classes tungkol sa maternal health at reproductive health.”

 

 

The staff of the RHU acceded to the religious leaders’ request. Given the difficulty of gathering people in a single event, any chance to promote RH was a most welcome opportunity. But what they saw Ankileng was far from what they expected.

 

 

 

To say that the RHU representatives were surprised when they first came to the church’s Couple’s Class would be an understatement. With all the women attendees were their husbands! Amazed, the RHU staff asked the Marriage Ministry facilitators, “How did you do it?” The response of Lolita Tuanda, pastor from the Presbyterian Church, was simple: this is a Couples’ Class, so only couples are allowed to attend. “Hindi pwedeng wife lang. Hindi pwedeng husband lang. Couple dapat.”

 

Following the success of the first session, a separate RH module was developed and incorporated in the Couples’ Class. The RHU staff trained the facilitators from the Marriage Ministry on RH so that they could teach the RH modules themselves. The conduct of a Couples’ Class in Barangay Ankileng was soon replicated in other areas.

 

 

 

 

The biggest outcome of the effort is an increased involvement of the men with regard to the health concerns of their families. After having undergone training, the men’s thinking about RH took a complete turnaround–their wives attest to their transformation. A housewife claims:

 

 

“Nung nag-aral kami nung don sa Couples’, doon nalaman ng mga asawa namin na dapat pala ay magplano ng pamilya para maging maganda ang kinabukasan ng mga bata. At nalaman din nila na importante pala sa isang babae na mag-control para maalagaan niya ang katawan niya. Napag-aralan din nila ang tungkol sa VAWC. Alam na ng mga asawa namin yun.”

 

 

 

It was not only the men that benefitted from efforts to educate the communities on RH. Information and knowledge on their rights truly empowered the women– they became more assertive when it came to making decisions for the family. For the women of Barangay Ankileng, their increased self-confidence enabled them to set in motion OB OB-BON DI I NIN-A (Mothers’ Bayanihan) or ODIA. This organization has been in existence since the ‘80s, but was inactive for more than a decade until the women of Ankileng decided to revive it in 2007.

 

 

With some support from the UNFPA, ODIA’s rebirth led to the establishment of a community-based livelihood initiative: a peanut butter-making business. This gave additional income to the members. Moreover, a percentage of the generated profits go to a communal savings which they could use when health emergencies occur.

 

 

 

 

 

According to PHSSA’s Marvie Molintas, this project is a concrete manifestation that the people are finally realizing that health is actually everybody’s concern.  “Ngayon, with the program, mas na-realize nila na pwede palang magkaron ng unti-unti na savings para masagutan yung pangangailangan ng women na hindi kaya lahat na masagutan mula doon sa present na estado ng kabuhayan. So, parang andun kaagad yung direction na paggawa nila ng economic endeavors towards RH. It taught them na ang health pala, concern ng lahat: Concern ng family. Concern ng Baranggay Council, hindi lang ng RHU.”

 

 

 

 

Lolita Tuanda, a pastor in the Ankileng Presbyterian Church and speaker on RH Couples’ Class on family planning:

“Alam namin na pag healthy ang family, healthy din ang community. Pag ang aim ay healthy family, kasama talaga ang family planning. Kasi paano mo naman masasabi na healthy ang isang pamilya kung wala ang pagpa-plano? “

 

 

 

 

The public is commonly uncomfortable with change. Often, they tend to reject outright new ideas they do not understand. Sagada’s story proves that after understanding follows acceptance, but doing this may take more than just organizing or mobilizing. Sometimes, the key element that would lead to it is an unexpected partner like the Ankileng Presbyterian Church. In due course, people, given the right information and avenue for expression, would find creative and innovative ways to help themselves.

To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty in its lair. To never simplify what is complicated nor complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try to understand. To never look away. And never, never forget.

-          ARUNDHATI ROY

I have never been more exhausted. But I have never felt more alive.

When I accepted the UNFPA project, I knew I was getting the opportunity of a lifetime. And reality delivered exactly as, if not more than, the dream promised.

The final weeks of July and the first two weeks of August had been a dizzying mix of take-offs, landings, airport taxis, luggage conveyors, tape and mp3 recorders, boarding passes, small planes, cramped terminals, dingy provincial hotel rooms, Nissan Patrols and Toyota Hi-Lux pickups bearing blue plates, and rough roads so bumpy I could hardly sleep despite my exhaustion.

Still, it had been a truly meaningful one and a half months, filled with a lot of handshakes and smiles…questions I’ve always wanted to ask, places I’ve always longed to see, inspiration I’ve always yearned to find.

In San Miguel, Catanduanes, I saw the boulders that fell off the mountains after a landslide, and the bridge split into two by the raging waters during a typhoon. I saw the majestic handiwork of indigenous forefathers in Sagada. Good, late-night conversations by the sea in Virac proved to be very refreshing. We’ve long studied about this infrastructure that connects Samar to Leyte, but I never really thought I’d be able to really be on the San Juanico bridge—I was wide-eyed with amazement and gratitude the entire time we were crossing it. 

The best sites for me, though, feature the wide grins and unmistakable glint in the eyes of the people providing muscle to the program. Midwives and Barangay Health Workers, volunteers who list down the names of every pregnant woman and every child in every household, walking seven kilometers or more because, being unpaid workers, they do not even have money for habal-habal fare just to make sure that the expectant mothers come for pre-natal checkups and that the kids get immunized on time.

I was able to listen to fathers, their skin dark and leathery, their hands and feet apparently hardened by heavy work, telling you how they volunteered to undergo non-scalpel vasectomy because “Mahirap ang buhay,” and they know they wouldn’t be able to ensure a good future for their kids if they keep ‘going forth and multiplying.’ They also fear for their wives’ health—they didn’t use to, but when they were reached by information that used to be concealed from them, they decided it’s time they do something.

I met brilliant doctors who could have made it big off shore, but are serving as Municipal Health Officers. Underpaid, underappreciated by the higher-ups, satisfied in treating patients in their tiny clinics. Dra. Jabonillo, Municipal Health Officer in Carmen, Bohol, is truly a classic. Two years ago, her husband died due to heart failure cause by a 2-hour strenuous tennis match. She tried to revive her husband herself, but he died on her watch because there was only so much CPR could do—the community hospital that she serves does not have defibrillator.

You would think she would get angry at the world, angry at the government, angry at the lack of facilities or the lack of manpower or the lack of hospital funds. She could have chosen to be angry, and she had every right to. What’s most admirable, most heroic about her is that she didn’t.

Two days after her husband’s burial, she was back at the hospital. Teaching and serving and healing and saving the lives of people who could hardly cough up money to pay for her services. If there is one thing I learned from her, it is this: they key to not be overwhelmed by your personal woes is to devote yourself to helping others solve theirs. If we are focused on something bigger than ourselves, then we stop questioning our significance or the meaning of our lives or why the hell we were even born. And we stop resorting to blame, freeing ourselves from the pressure of controlling that which is beyond our capacity and of the impossible burden of trying to change the world by our lonesome.

Like Dra. Jabonillo, it has long been my passion to focus my attention on things that work instead of worrying about things that don’t. I have faith in the power of Good News because if you believe things are working, you feel bolder, more able to vie for bigger things. Naniniwala akong mas madaling i-organisa at i-mobilize ang mga taong inspired at masaya kesa sa mga taong galit. Anger blinds and controls and consumes you. It distorts your perception by making you feel helpless and unsure of your own capacity to bring about change. Inspiration, on the other hand, opens your heart and mind to so many possibilities. It helps you hope. It helps you help others hope. It empowers you to do more. It empowers you to empower others who could, consequently, empower countless more. This project with UNFPA all the more reinforced the truth to this. 

Bagamat tunay na na-inspire ako at nabuksan ang mata ko sa napakaraming bagay dahil sa proyektong ito, ang dami ko ring naging tanong sa sarili.

Sa Eastern Samar, may in-interview kaming isang pedicab driver tungkol sa family planning. Ayon sa kanya, 120 daw pesos ang kayang ipunin sa loob ng maghapong pagmamaneho ng padyak. 50 pesos ay pupunta lang sa boundary. 70 pesos na lang ang maiuuwi nya sa pamilya. “Sakto na yun!” sabi ng haligi ng tahanan. And the wife agrees.

70 pesos na kita sa isang araw. Kayang bumuhay ng isang pamilyang may apat na anak.

Mula sa Samar hanggang makauwi ako ng Maynila, napaisip ako kung paano ko ginagastos ang pera ko. Kung sa Ortigas o Makati ka nagtatrabaho, ni hindi sasapat ang 70 pesos pang-lunch. Ang 1-piece chicken nga sa isang fastfood restaurant, lampas 70 pesos ang halaga. Hindi pa large ang drink mo nun!

Dahil sa commitment and inspiration na nakita ko sa mga pinuntahan naming baranggay, mas lalo tuloy akong naging kating-kati tumulong. Habang papauwi si Aling Rosa, in-interview namin na biktima ng Violence Against Women (VAW)—walang trabaho, mahigit sampung taong nagtiis ng pambubugbog ng asawa, gusto kong bumunot ng pera sa bulsa at ibigay sa kanya. Pero pinigil ko ang sarili ko. Naisip kong baka mapahiya sya kung basta abutan ko na lang sya. Naiintindihan ko rin naman kasi ang importansya ng may pinanghahawakan ka pa ring pride kahit papaano. Hindi ko na aalisin sa kanya yun.

Sa Sagada, pila-pila sa Rural Health Unit ang mga ina at amang dala-dala ang anak nila para ipa-immunize. Magkano ang halaga ng pagpapa-bakuna? Sampung piso.

SAMPUNG PISO!

Pootek. Eh kung mayroon pala akong isang libong piso, kaya kong magpa-immunize ng isang daang bata! Tipong pumunta ako sa isang komunidad na may 100 ang bilang ng mga babies at sabihing, “Tara, papa-bakunahan ko ang lahat ng mga bata sa baranggay na ito! Heto ang 1,000 pesos!”

Sa mga kaibigan natin, lagi nating sinasabi, “Wala na akong pera! Kawawa naman ako!” Pero paano nga ba natin ginagastos ang pera natin?

Napapaisip ako kung saan ko inuubos ang kinikita ko. Madalas akong nagsusunog ng mahigit 100 para sa isang serving ng kape. Samantalang sa ibang liblib na bahagi ng Pilipinas, makakapag-ensure ng health ng sampung bata ang 100 pesos na ito. 300 ang ibinabayad ko sa pagpapa-masahe at halos 500 para magpa-foot scrub dahil kailangan kong mag de-stress. Habang sa mga maliliit na baranggay sa sarili nating bansa, di mabilang ang mga pamilyang nagkakasya sa mas mababa pa sa 100 pesos kada araw na kinikita ng ama.

As professionals, lagi nating iniisip na lugi tayo, hindi tayo nababayaran ng tama. Bilang mga writers na lang, halimbawa, madalas na masama pa ang loob mo kung mababa sa sampung libo ang talent fee na ibinabayad ng kliyente para sa isang script. Kung tutuusin, may mga scripts na kayang-kaya namang isulat sa loob ng ilang oras. Sa totoo lang, at walang halong bola ito, minsan napapaisip ako kung bakit kailangang napaka-mahal nating sumingil—lalo na para sa isang bagay na gustong-gusto rin naman nating gawin. 

I couldn’t help but question the disparity. But if I were to be true to myself, alam kong hindi ko rin naman gugustuhin ang ganong buhay. Maraming beses na nakakaramdam ako ng guilt, lalo na sa tuwing pagkatapos kong bumaba sa komunidad at magpa-kwento sa mga tao doon ay uuwi ako sa hotel ko, bubuksan ang aircon, manonood ng satellite TV, magtatalukbong ng comforter, tapos io-on ang laptop. Wow, sarap buhay.

Ngayon, habang sinusulat ko ito, hindi malinaw sa akin kung anong punto ang gusto kong palabasin. Sa ngayon, gusto ko lang magsaad ng damdamin, kasi totoong sabay akong nabuhayan at sumama ang loob dahil sa mga katotohanang nakita ko.

Gusto ko kasi talagang tumulong pero paano? Nung birthday month ko nung May, nagbalak akong mag-fund raising activity para makapamigay ng school supplies sa mga batang mahihirap. Pero di ko rin naman nabigyan ng panahon.

Bukod dito, gaanong tulong ba ang sapat? Naalala ko tuloy yung isang character don sa panalo pero short-lived na TV series na 4400. Ang special power nya ay kaya nyang magpagaling ng mga may sakit. May nag-warn sa kanya na wag niyang ipaalam sa iba na kaya nya itong gawin dahil tiyak na aabusuhin sya. Pero minsan, may isang pulubi syang tinulungan. Ang sumunod na eksena ay isang katerbang mahihirap na tao ang pumipilit sa kanyang pagalingin silang lahat. Pero dahil limitado lang ang kanyang power, hindi nya rin kinayang tulungan silang lahat at nagalit pa yung mga tao sa kanya.

Sa ngayon, ang konkretong balakin ko muna ay gawin kung ano ang makakaya, hangga’t kaya. Isa rin itong imbitasyon sa inyong lahat na bumabasa nito na kahit iisa ka lang, meron ka ring magagawa tungo sa pagbabago. Pero wag nating ikasama ng loob na may hangganan ang kaya nating ibigay. Hindi lang naman kasi tayo ang may kapasidad tumulong, kaya ni wag na nating tangkaing pasanin ang problema ng lahat ng tao. May kanya-kanya tayong galing, may kanya-kanya tayong hilig, may kanya-kanya tayong interes. Kung lahat tayo susundin ang mga puso natin, hindi na natin kailangang magagaw-agawan para sa pwesto natin sa mundo.

Tawagin mo na akong baduy, pero OO, mataas ang pangarap ko para sa bansang ito. At alam kong ang paglalakbay patungo dito ay hindi madali at hindi mabilis. Pero alam ko ring hindi ito imposible. And sharing the wonderful news I personally witnessed is the first step I’m taking towards the fulfillment of this dream.

Sisimulan ko  ang hangaring tumulong na ito sa pagpo-post ng mga storyang sinulat ko para sa librong ginagawa namin for UNFPA. Gusto ko lang kasing ipagmalaki sa lahat ng may panahong magbasa ng blog na ito na napatunayan ko nang hindi totoong lahat ng institusyon ng gobyerno sa bansang ito ay bulok. Hindi lahat ng opisyal ng pamahalaan ay palpak. Hindi lahat ng taong mahirap ay tamad. Hindi lahat ng nagbibigay ng tulong ay may hidden agenda. Sa lahat ng munisipyong pinuntahan namin sa Sagada, Bohol, Eastern Samar, Catanduanes at Navotas, may mga volunteers na napaka-passionate sa pagtulong sa kani-kanilang komunidad—kahit wala silang bayad, kahit walang medal, kahit wala silang direktang napapala. Sana may ma-inspire naman kahit papaano.

Ikaw, ano ang unang hakbang towards nation-building mo?

          

Two sides of the love coin: Which story is closer to yours?

 

DINA

   

Parang back-to-back classic ang nangyari kay Dina. O kakapalabas pa lang ng drama, may rerun agad.

 

Matagal
bago sya naka-recover sa naunang palpak na tao. Eh kasi naman, tumunog
na lahat ng warning bells, umilaw na lahat ng warning signs, “WAG KANG MANINIWALA DYAN!” hindi pa rin bumwelta. Hayun. Ganun nga yata talaga ang nangyayari pag ipipinipilit ang alam namang hindi pwede.

 

Wala syang ibang nahita kay One kung hindi sama ng loob.

 

But one night, in the most unlikely circumstance, nakilala nya si Two.

 

Kabaligtaran
sya ni One sa lahat ng bagay. Ibang-ibang-iba. Honest. Openly sweet.
Kind… Believer ng karma si Gaga. Sa lahat ng sakit na idinulot ni One,
i-Two na ba ang bawi?

 

Fast forward to several months after…

 

Ni ha, ni ho, ni munting eksplanasyon, wala. Basta na lang natapos–si Two, bigla na lang nagkaron ng iba.

 

Potah naman. Nabola ka na nga ni One, nagpauto ka na naman kay Two?

 

Tsk.

 

TSK!

 

Gaga’ng Dina. Assuming kasi masyado. Galit na galit, wala namang karapatang magalit. Kung humirit si Two na, “Baket, may sinabi ba ako sa’yo?” eh wala na syang masasagot. Kasi wala nga namang sinasabi ang tao na kahit ano patungkol sa seryosohang relasyon.

 

Ano ba naman ang kahulugan, ‘I love you’ sa ganitong panahon? Tae na lang yun na sinasabi ng mga taong lasing na nagpapa-antok at nag-uubos ng load bago matulog.

 

Yung
inaakalang bawi eh pangalawang batok lang pala. Lahat ng sakit na
inisip na nawala, bumalik ulit. Back with a vengeance, stronger than
ever pa. Kung masakit yung kay One, mas masakit yung kay Two. Kasi mas
nakaka-insulto yung pinasakay ka muna ng pinasakay, saka ka ilalaglag.

 

Ganun na lang ba lagi? Kakapit na lang sa kahit sinong dumating kasi masyado nang malungkot ang palaging mag-isa?

 

Sananaman si Three, di nagaya nina One at Two.

 

Mawa-one-two-three na naman ba si Dina?! Ugh.

 

INA

 

28
years old na, NBSB pa rin. Sa mga maagang nakahanap ng pag-ibig at
hindi alam ang pakiramdam ng mahabang-mahabang-mahabang paghihintay sa
taong tila walang balak dumating, ang ibig sabihin nito ay No Boyfriend
Since Birth.

 

Galing sa mayamang pamilya. Sunod lahat ng luho. Film major sa UP. Maganda ang trabaho. Masipag, mabait, at maaasahan.

 

Hopeless
romantic. Isang dingding ng malaki nyang kwarto ay punong-puno ng
romance novels. Hindi naman takot magmahal. Sa katunayan, na-inlab pa
nga sya sa bespren nya dati–yung lalaking sabay na kamukha ni Ogie
Alcasid at Janno Gibbs (sabi nga ni Ina, pwede na daw syang mag-SOP
mag-isa!) Si Ina ay hindi katulad kong duwag sa blind date.
Nagpapa-setup pa nga ito sa mga kaibigan. Pero palaging walang
kinapupuntahan.

 

28 years old na,
NBSB pa rin. Sa dami ng hits and misses ng di mabuo-buo nyang lovelife,
dumating na ang panahon sumuko na siya. Tumigil ang mga blind dates.
Nag-kasya na lang sa munting crushes na mga cute na hombreng
nakakasalubong sa corridor o nakakasabay sa elevator. 

 

Sa
Events department ng isang malaking TV network nagtatrabaho si Ina. Sa
isang tila ordinaryong araw, nagyo-yosi sya labas ng studio kung saan
may shooting—her usual breather from another typically backbreaking
day. 

 

“Do you believe in magic?”

 

Sabi
ng isang lalaking hindi nya kilala. May hawak itong deck of cards at
naka-todo ngiti sa kanya. Kung hindi dahil sa company ID ng mokong ay
iisipin ni Inang isa syang manggagantso. Weirded out man, Ina politely
answered, “Why?”

 

Pinapili sya ng
isang card ni Pare. Pumili naman si Rina ng number at suit sa isip nya.
Sabi kasi ni Pare, marunong daw syang mag-magic. Kaya daw nyang hulaan
ang sagot ni Ina.

 

Jack of
Hearts, isip ni Ina. Hithit ulit ng sigarilyo. Sa dami ng iniisip sa
trabaho, binale-wala na lang niya ang paglapit na iyon ni Pare.
Dinismiss na lang nya ito na isa lang siguro sa mga weird na tao ng
Production na nagti-trip lang. Sa mundo ng TV, hindi naman kakaiba yun.

 

Tumunog ang cellphone ni Ina. May nag-text.

 

“Jack of Hearts.” sabi sa message.

 

Kinilabutan
si Ina. Pag-angat nya ng ulo nya mula sa binabasa, nandon si Pare sa
hindi kalayuan. Todo-ngiti na naman. Kung paano nahulaan ni Pare ang
sagot at cellphone number ni Ina…magic na nga lang siguro ang
makakasagot.

 

Tatlong taon
pagkatapos nun, tumawag sa akin si Ina. Ikakasal na sila ni Pare.
Mantakin mo nga naman! One time, big time. First and Last. One and
Only.

 

Isa sa mga paborito kong love quotes ay ito: LOVE EXISTS IN CORNERS—IN THE MOST OBVIOUS AND MOST UNLIKELY PLACES.

 

Totoo nga yatang kusang dumadating ang mga tao at bagay na hindi hinahanap…

 

Ikaw, naniniwala ka rin ba sa magic?

 

AYUN O!

 

 

   

I just came back from a short inuman-slash-lunch with Ianco and Rey at
Metrowalk, two of my favorite toma buddies. Hehehe. Kagabi pa
nagkaka-yayaan uminom, actually. Pero dahil sa kung ano-anong dahilan
(ubod ng trapik sa QC, puno ang Meatshop pag Friday, gusto ni Ianco ng
lugar na tahimik at may Jack Daniels, etc., etc.), hindi kami natuloy.

Gumising
ako ng maaga kanina para mag-transcribe ng interviews we conducted in
the first leg of the UN project in Sagada, Mt. Province. I went online
and saw Rey. 10 AM pa lang, nag-aaya na uminom ang Rey! Matagal ko nang
hindi nagagawang uminom ng tanghaling tapat! So Rey and I agreed that
he’d pick me up and we’d head off somewhere we could catch a few
bottles.

Pumunta kami sa Carlo’s Pizza in Metrowalk (where
it’s Always Crunchy, Never Oily!). Sandali lang dumating na rin si
Ianco. The  bonding was fun, though it was cut short because both of
them had previously set appointments–Rey with his gym instructor and
Direk Ianco with his client.

So, slightly bangenge, slightly susuray-suray, hinatid ako ulit ni  Rey sa QC kung saan itutuloy ko naman ang pagtatrabaho.

While
Rey was driving, napa-senti ako bigla. I’m not really sure if it was
the beer (come to think of it, alcohol does that to me ALL THE TIME!).

"Do you still remember the time when we agreed to be Belief Partners?"

Belief
Partner. Isang konseptong natutunan ko sa isang Artists’ Convention in
Tagaytay over three years ago. The idea is, to pick a person who you
could share your dreams with and who would help you keep going for
them. The Belief Partner is also your Accountability Checker–ang
laging mangangamusta sa iyo kung ano na ang pinaggagagawa mo tungkol sa
pangarap mo. Overall Cheerleader, Rah-Rah, Go-Go Person mo rin ang
taong ito. Kaya nga Belief Partner–kasi maniniwala pa rin syang kaya
mong maabot ang pangarap mo, kahit ikaw na mismo ay nagdududa na sa
sarili mong kakayahan at kapasidad na ma-achieve yun. And it is termed
"Partner" because you are expected to play that role for him/her also.

Dalawang
tao lang ang kinuntsaba ko para maging Belief Partner ko. Ang una ay
ang kabarkada ko sa Econ block ko na si Ana. At si Rey.

Naalala
ko pa yung YM conversation when I asked Rey that we become Belief
Partners. He was gunning for this big position in his company.  It had
already been offered to him then, pero wala pang confirmation.

Matagal
na panahon at maraming hindi kagandahang pangyayari na ang lumipas kay
Rey, hindi pa rin dumadating ang kontratang hinihintay nya.

I remember how I’d keep reassuring him, telling him not to worry. "Answered prayer na yan, Rey!"

Kasi
ganon dapat ang faith. Pag ipinagdasal mo na, claim it. Believe it is
already yours. Don’t worry about it aymore. Your heart should never
stop believing that your prayer has been answered.

Isang araw, naka-tambay ako sa Nyarbucks sa baba ng opisina ko. Nag-ring ang telepono ko. Tumatawag si Rey.

"I got it!"

Sobrang saya ko sa balita nya! Pakiramdam ko AKO yung pipirma ng kontratang yun! Parang sarili kong dream ang natupad!

"Sabi ko sa iyo, answered prayer na yan eh!"

Rey
and I don’t se each other too often. The Belief Partners concept did
not come up again until today. But somehow, knowing that there is this
person who truly believes you could do it provides that push, that
nudge that helps you move along–even during times when you yourself
feel you could no longer go any farther. At maniniwala ka na rin sa
sarili mo kahit hindi mo laging nakikita yung taong alam mong
naniniwala sa’yo.

"I always pray for you," sabi ni Rey.

I really found comfort and quiet assurance in that. 

Belief Partner. Go ahead and find yourself one.

Dear Ms. Ingles:

I have some good news and bad news for you. The bad news is, I didn’t get to use
your memoir on what it was like for a UP Maroons fan in your time for my
article. I’m really sorry about that. (Di nga. Hinanapan ko talaga ng paraan
para isama sa article ko.)

The good news is, your memoir was so good, we decided to turn it into a
stand-alone article in the June-July issue of the UP Forum, which is now online
. It was edited a bit (I hope you don’t mind),
but besides a few tweaks, it’s published in its entirety. I also hope you don’t
mind the title, "Confessions of a Die-Hard UP Maroons Fan". Um, it was my idea.
(Di nga, talaga. Ang ganda ng sinulat mo, eh.)

So I was wondering if I could get your mailing address so I could send you your
issue of the UP Forum by snail-mail…?

Again, thank you very, very much for your help. And congrats!

Respectfully,

Staff Member, UP-OAR

_______________________________________________________

My
good friend and Econ blockmate, Myda, forwarded to our barkada egroup a
request from a staff member of the UP alumni office for story bits
about the UAAP. Hence, I excitedly wrote a ‘memoir’ about my days as a
Maroon fanatic, uploaded it in my blogs and sent it to the staff
member.

She emailed back and said she liked what I wrote and that she’ll definitely use it in her article.

I NEVER EXPECTED THAT SHE’D USE IT AS A STAND-ALONE ARTICLE! IN THE UP FORUM! AAAAAHHHH!

Yun lang. Gusto ko lang i-share. Hehehe. Happiness!

It feels so surreal.

I went to the office on a Sunday afternoon to write my boss a letter.

It was to formally inform him that I am resigning.

Even now, typing the word, “resign” feels awfully weird.

Beginnings are always scary. Endings are always sad.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. O kung ano ba ang dapat maramdaman ko.

Ano ba dapat ang nararamdaman ng taong namamaalam para mag-move on?

Naks, parang bagong break lang ah!

Sa aking madamdaming liham, humirit ako sa boss ko ng mga mala-“It’s not you, it’s me” na linya (minus the bullshit, syempre).

Dear Bosing Pon-Japs,

Greetings!

This is to personally inform you that I have already tendered my resignation to HR last week. This shall take effect on July 31, 2008.

I learned a lot during my stay in the company. It was a pleasure helping pioneer the broadcasting arm of IPS and PIMS. Putting up the Creatives department was like watching a little baby grow. I witnessed how we developed from a department that could only produce print materials to one that is capable of coming up with its own TV commercials and actually generating revenue from them. As I leave, I take pride and joy in the fact that I was able to contribute my talent and hard work to the growth of PIMS and, to a broader extent, IPS as well.

The Creatives team is made up of very talented and spirited people. They are all truly artistic, hard-working, passionate, and dedicated to their job. I leave the company confident that the Creative Services department I painstakingly helped put up is in good hands.

Lastly, please know that my reason for leaving is not in any way due to dissatisfaction with my salary or management style. It is simply because there are other career opportunities I would like to explore. Just like the Creatives team, I have also grown immensely because of PIMS, and I now feel ready to move on and do bigger things. Rest assured that should you need my help on anything—conceptualizing and executing marketing/ creative strategies, putting up commercial shoots, organizing a production crew, extending your network—you could always count on me to assist you.

Sir, I only hold the deepest regard for you and the rest of upper management. Thank you very much for your guidance and the trust that you have given me. I wish you all the best, and may you and the company continue to be blessed.

Milestones

2005.

Napaka-heartbreaking ng panimula ng taong ito.

Ito ang taon na natapos ang project ko sa NGO kung saan talagang minahal ko ang trabaho ko.

Ito ang taon na parang nililipad lang ng ipo-ipo lahat ng talent fee na natatanggap ko.

Ito ang taong nilunok ko lahat ng mga pinagsasabi ko nung isa pa akong mayabang na bagong graduate sa UP at tinanggap ang posibilidad na nasa call center nga yata ang aking tunay na calling.

Pero hindi ako mabilis sumuko. Iiyak ako, pero hindi ako magpapatalo. At may paniniwala akong wala akong ginusto sa buhay kong hindi ko nakukuha.

Sabi ng bida sa pelikulang Dream for an Insomniac, “I don’t give up. I change my mind.” Hindi sumuko si Checheboobear noong August 2005. Inisip ko lang na hindi iisa ang ruta patungo sa katuparan ng pangarap. Kung hindi uubra ang shortcut, merong ibang daan na maaaring mas matagal, pero sa parehong destinasyon ka rin dadalhin.

Isa’t kalahating buwan ang training sa Convergys. Isang buwan para i-Americanize kayo (teaching you the ‘twang, English grammar, all about American culture, America’s geography, memorizing America’s states and their capitals, yadayadayada). Ang half-month naman ay devoted sa training about the account to which you’ll be assigned. Enjoy ako sa training, pero tuloy pa rin ang pag-raket ko sa kung saan-saan para sa kung ano-ano.

Come October, sinabi sa akin ni Ronnie na may bagong project ang DV Sharks. May nakilala daw syang naghahanap ng grupo na magpo-produce ng kanilang mga TV commercials. Bilang PM, ako ang nakipag-meeting sa marketing officers ng kumpanya para alamin kung ano ang magagawa ng grupo namin para sa kanila. Marami na daw silang footage para sa commercials ng iba’t-ibang produktong binebenta nila sa mga Pilipino sa

Japan

pero hindi sila marunong magsulat ng script at mag-edit ng video. Samakatuwid, perfect ang team namin para ibigay ang kailangan nila.

Ang kumpanyang ito ay ang Pilipinas International Marketing Services, Inc. Ito na nga ang PIMS. Distributor ng GMA Pinoy TV sa Japan. Ilang buwan pa lang tumatakbo. Fresh na fresh. Parang sanggol na walang muwang sa mundo.

Dating gawi kami ni Ronnie. Ako ang sumulat ng script at nagpi-PM. Siya ang editor. Sa ilang balik ko sa opisina ng PIMS, naging ka-chika ko ang Assistant Marketing Manager na si Rina. Binibiro ko lang sya na baka may opening sa Marketing. Biglang naging seryoso ang lola mo at sinabing, “Oo, kailangan namin ng Marketing Officer!”

To make the long story short, walang kaabog-abog kong binitawan ang trabaho ko sa call center at tumalon sa PIMS. Wala akong alam sa Marketing. Wala akong alam sa Sales. Pero alam kong hindi nagpapatawa ang Diyos nung ipinakilala sa akin ang mga taong ito o nung maisara namin ni Ronnie ang project na ito. Hindi na ako pinag-exam ng HR nila. Ni hindi na ako in-interview. Namulat na lang ako isang araw na sa Ortigas na ang opisina ko. At dahil sanay sa pagfi-freelance, ilang linggo bago ako nasanay na mag-punch in ng time card tuwing papasok at lalabas ako ng PIMS. Pero buokd sa hassle ng bandy clock, malinaw na malinaw sa isip ko na nahanap ko na ang trabahong gusto ko. Kung baga sa lovelive, nahanap ko na si Mr. Right. Hindi lang “It Might Be You” kundi, “IT IS YOU!”

Dalawang layout artists, isa pang Marketing Officer at dalawang marketing managers ang kasama ko sa team noon. Wala pang broadcast department. Nung pumasok ako, AKO ANG BROADCAST DEPARTMENT. Oo, ako mag-isa! Sasabihin sa akin ng mga boss ko kung ano ang produkto o kliyenteng nangangailangan ng commercial. Gagawa ako ng konsepto at susulat ng script. Ako din ang editor (syempre ang chachaka ng mga nagagawa ko! Hehehe). Pag natapos ang commercial, ipapadala ko ang DVD sa Glisaz para i-transfer sa mini-DV tape. Ime-mail ko ito sa Clark para sila nag magbato ng signal sa Japan. Tapos gagawa ako ng Broadcast Order at isasaayos ang Media Plan.

Writer, Video Editor, Media Planner. Ako lahat yun. Hindi ko ito expertise pero hindi ako nagreklamo kahit kailan. Enjoy ako sa ginagawa ko, at proud pa rin ako sa output ko.

In less than two months, gusto na akong ipadala ng Presidente namin sa Japan para mag-shoot. Pero nung una, na-deny ang aking VISA kaya March 2006 pa ako unang nakaalis. 

2006

Ito ang aking unang out-of-the-country trip. Noon ko lang naranasan ang mag-lakad sa gitna ng winter na may hila-hilang video camera (with all its accessories!), digital camera, may bitbit pang tripod, habang pilit na iniintindi ang pagsalin-salin sa subway ng Tokyo.

Isa sa golden lessons na natutunan ko sa pagiging isang multi-tasking employee sa PIMS: Wag kang puro angal. At lalong wag kang holdout. Yung tipong kung ano lang ang palagay mong nakukuha mo, yun lang din ang ibibigay mo. Kasi sa bandang huli, ikaw lang din ang lugi. Akala ng iba, nauutakan nila ang kumpanya dahil sa pagpe-petiks o hindi paggawa ng higit sa kung ano ang inaasahan sa kanila. Pero sino ba ang hindi umuunlad? Sino ba ang hindi umaangat ang kaalaman?

Hindi naging madali ang buhay ko sa PIMS, pero saan ka ba makakahanap ng ganito kasayang experience? Hindi maraming tao ang makakapagsabing nakapag-produce sila ng documentary by their lonesome, at isa ako sa mga taong yun.

Pagbalik ko mula sa Tokyo, nakabili na sila ng bagong editing machine at may na-hire na silang video editor. Si Wendell Clemente. Isa syang God’s gift sa aking buhay! Ako pa rin ang sumulat ng script ng documentary na shinoot ko, pero sya na ang nag-edit. Dahan-dahan na ring dumami ang TV commercials ng kumpanya dahil may video editor na para mag-execute ng aking ideas!

Dahil may editor na, natuto akong gumawa ng storyboard para maintindihan ni Wendell kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari. Dino-drawing ko lang ito sa mga newsprint, pero dahil magaling at creative sya, nagagawa naman nya.

Binibigyan kami ng GMA ng 168 minutes a day for our commercials, at syempre hindi namin nako-consume lahat ito. Nung nakita nilang may capacity na kami ni Wendell to produce commercials, sinimulan na ng Japan office ang pagbebenta ng commercials spots sa GMA Pinoy TV, at naka-pakete na rin and production services.

After several months, pinadala ng Japan dito sa Pilipinas ang video camera na ginamit ko noon. Come August, shinoot namin ni Wendell ang aming kauna-unahang TVC! Ang kliyente pa ay Akabane Bussan, isang kumpanyang nagde-deliver ng Filipino products sa Japan! Tandang-tanda ko pang 25k pesos lang ang budget ko para i-produce ito. Natural, hindi kagandahan, pero as months passed, the production quality of our final outputs improved as own skills got better with practice.

Dumami ng dumami ang kliyente namin. May mga panahon na halos 2 o 3 commercials ang shinu-shoot namin ni Wendell sa isang buwan. Lumago rin ang aking network of suppliers, talent agents, stylists, and makeup artists.

2007

Ang highlight ng taong ito ay ang resignation ni Wendeel at ang pagpasok ko sa Mowelfund.

PIMS sponsored my enrollment in Directing class. I met the people who are to be among my closest friends and project partners.

Dahil nga umalis na si Wendell, ang mga kaklase ko na sa Mowel ang tumutulong sa mga shoot ko.

If only for the people I met through Mowelfund, sulit na sulit na ang mga taong ginugol ko sa PIMS. 

2008

Matagal ko nang na-realize na ang tunay na calling ko sa buhay ay nasa production work.

Pero in late 2007, mas umigting sa akin ang desire to document good news and spread them to as many people as I could possible reach.

Sumulat ako kina Red Batario at Girlie Alvarez ng CCJD tungkol sa mga balakin ko sa buhay. Kinekwento ko rin sa lahat ng kaibigan ko na ito ang gusto kong gawin.

Totoo nga siguro ang Law of Attraction. Kasi nung napag-desisyunan kong ito ang gusto kong gawin, binigyan ako ng project ng CCJD to produce their AVP, at nakuha pa akong mag-PM para sa isang project to produce short video documentaries on best practices on disaster management sa iba’t ibang lugar sa Bicol.

Nag-resign ako sa PIMS nung February.

Pero hindi ko matiis ang aking team. Kaya pagbalik ko sa Manila from a long trip in Bicol, tinanggap ko ang offer ng kumpanya at nagbalik-loob sa PIMS.

4 na buwan pagkatapos nun, nangangati na naman akong umalis. Palagay ko naman tama ang ginawa kong pagbalik, pero bandang May or June, bumalik na naman sa akin ang uneasiness na parang wala na ako sa tamang lugar. I should be somewhere else, doing something else.

Naisip ko na gusto ko magtayo ng sarili kong production group. Yung nagfo-focus sa good news. Yung nagfo-focus sa POSITIVE CHANGE. Yung naka-tutok sa advocacy work and helping make other people’s lives better.

Sariling business. Sariling team.

Naisip ko na para ma-pull off ko ito, kailangan kong ma-tap ang malalaking institusyon. Government, NGOs, funders, donors, etc. Malalaking institusyon tulad ng UN.

Nung nakaraang buwan, pagkatapos ng presentation ko ng revised AVP kila Sir Red ng CCJD, binanggit nyang may kaibigan syang naghahanap ng creative head for a project. “Pwede ko bang ibigay ang number mo?” Oo naman po!, ang mabilis kong sagot. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang contact nya. Basta ang alam ko tinutupad ko lang ang aking goal na kailanman hindi tumanggi sa raket.

Kinabukasan, nakatanggap ako ng text. “Hi, Cheryl. This is Ruth Gerrochi from UNFPA. Red gave me your number…”

Seryosong tumaas ang balahibo ko pagkatapos kong mabasa ang text nya.

Sabi nga sa The Secret, you just have to decide on what you want. Hindi mo na dapat problemahin ang How.

Sinabi ko a few months back na gusto ko magkaron ng project sa UN. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano.

At eto ngayon ang isang project sa UN na basta na lang dumating sa akin!

Sabi ni Ruth, naghahanap daw sya ng isang taong maghe-head ng Photojournal project for UN Population Fund. Ito ay isang coffee table book documenting the best practices on reproductive health and population development in different parts of the Philippines.

A lot of travel. Creative work. Photography. Writing. UN. BEST PRACTICES. Documentation of good news.

Ang status ko palagi sa YM, “Whatever I need comes to me. Expect, not doubt!”

Ngayon ko tuloy napagko-konekta lahat ng mga pangyayari noong mga nakaraang taon. Lahat ng nakilala ko at lahat ng nangyari sa akin ay mahalagang bahagi ng proseso para makarating ako sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon. Kaya pala ako nag-aral sa UP. Kaya pala ako umalis ng Econ at nag-shift sa Broadcast Comm. Kaya pala ako sumali sa Broad Ass. Kaya pala naging kaibigan ko ang orgmate na si Ronnie at napa-sama sa team ng DV Sharks. Kaya pala naging kliyente ng DV Sharks ang PIMS. Kaya pala pinag-aral ako ng PIMS sa Mowelfund…

Hindi ko matatanggap ang UN photojournal project kung hindi ako nag-Mowel. Kasi kung hindi ako nag-Mowel, hindi ko makikilala ang photographer friend na si Patrick. At kung hindi ako nag-Mowel, hindi ko makikilala ang ubod ng talented ng mga taong kasama ko sa trabaho at pinakamalalapit na kaibigan ko ngayon. Kung hindi ko sila nakilala, ni hindi ko papangaraping mag-resign dahil hindi ko kaya i-offer mag-isa lahat ng services ng isang buong production house. Kung hindi ako nag-PIMS, hindi ko makikilala ang network of suppliers na napakahalaga para sa isang PM. Kung hindi ako nag-PIMS, wala akong magiging silbi sa mga kaklase ko sa Mowel dahil ang mga commercials na ginawa namin sa PIMS ang nakatulong sa pag-buo nila ng kanilang reel bilang Direktor, PD, DOP… 

Siddhartha’s right. We all do belong to the unity of things.

Again: Whatever I need comes to me.

Be still in the presence of the Lord

The Lord promised, “These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair for all these things shall come to pass. Just be patient. They will not be overdue a single day!”

Pagka-pirma ng kontrata sa UN, kinausap ko na agad ang HR Manager ng PIMS at nag-resign.

Di ba sinabi rin ni Paolo Coelho sa librong The Alchemist? All the universe conspires to give you what your heart desires.

It has been said by so many people, in so many ways, through so many means. But we tend to focus on everything that is going wrong, instead of how things are actually working to give us what we want. It is just a matter of understanding that every experience (yes, even the seemingly bad ones!) has a blessing to offer.

Ang unang tanong lagi ng mga tao sa akin, “Ano na ang mangyayari sa’yo pagkatapos ng UN?”

Sa tingin mo ba, pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito, matatakot pa ako?

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King