My Turf

**I wrote this entry last May 2005–the month when the reality of my joblessness first struck me.**

I am about to take a major leap.

Today, I will submit my resume to pharmaceutical companies and apply for a job as Medical Representative.

I never imagined myself in sales, but I want to give it a try. I need to give it a try.

There are many things I want to pursue, but I feel hampered by money concerns. The only way for me to be able to advance is to try a career that is financially rewarding.

I am just so goddamn sick of being small-time. I am tired of working my ass off for scraps when I know I could be somewhere else, doing something else.

I am done with being penniless. I am tired of having to be sorry for seemingly never having enough. I do not ever want to feel so helpless, left with no choice but to just bow my head, close my eyes, swallow my pride and approach friends for help with money. Gawd, how I long for the day when I am able to hold out from buying stuff not because I can’t afford it, but because I simply do not see the need for it.

Money is not the end-all and be-all of things, true. But its absence, or elusiveness, sure can take away a lot from a person. It fogs up one’s vision of tomorrow, eclipses high hopes. How can one dream about a better but far-off future when merely surviving each day is such a taxing struggle?

Eventually, one just gets to a point when she realizes that she is on the wrong path and there is more than just one way of reaching the destination she wants to be in. I am at that point now. And that is precisely what I just realized.

I want a career in Law. I want to be a professional writer. I want to be in a position where I could influence and be influenced by many people. I want a modest business. But tuition fee is needed in law school. Paper, Internet rental, cellphone load, going to and from places all entail spending. A business, no matter how small, requires capital. I need to be able to eat so I can act and think, plan and execute. And food doesn’t just fall from the sky—it has to be bought. I need money for a place to stay in. I need money for utilities. I need money for a gazillion other things that cannot at all be considered luxury, but are mere basics for living.

Every pursuit needs investment. And realistically speaking, investments do not only mean vision, effort, talent, and brain juices.

I need that break. I need that buwelo.

Moolah. That’s what I need. It’s what I do not have, and it’s what no amount of heart and courage alone can whip up.

“Go after your dreams, kahit na maging mahirap ka pa!”

Sure, if you have only yourself to think of, go right ahead. Sadly, this principle cannot be applied if you have people who depend on you, as in my case now.

Besides, desire and passion alone could not at all spell success. If anything, so simplistic a belief could only lead one to failure.

Resume in hand, I determinedly walk to the entrance of this pharmaceutical company.

Lord, I do not know what you have planned for me, but guide the way.