My Turf

My favorite from this week’s batch of Secrets:

I read somewhere this quote and decided to adopt it as one of my life’s new mottos:

"Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, but don’t put up with those who are reckless with yours."

Amen.

I am super, super, duper, duper tired.

No, I am beyond tired. I am unbelievably exhausted. 

I genuinely enjoy doing interviews and meeting new people and having my eyes opened to different acts of kindness I didn’t really think I’d find here (I have so, so many big and small stories on kindness that I will tell you about when I already have the energy for it). But now, almost two weeks of walking alone, going up and down subway stations, changing trains, with my uber-heavy equipment is already taking its toll. I just want to flop on my bed and sleep for a week! 

 

Lugging my hebigat equipment, I travel by myself to faraway Mimomi–a town outside Tokyo. My interviewee’s home is over an hour away by train from Ginza! After three train changes, I was able to successfully find it without getting lost. Ha!

Oh, and I don’t even feel like going to Disneyland anymore. When I first got here, my only goal was to visit Tokyo Disneyland. And Disney Sea. But it’s too expensive (gagastos ka ng mahigit sa isang lapad!). Many people here also tell me that with this weather, it’s just not worth it.

It keeps raining, too. And I don’ like it when it rains. It does things to my mood.

How sad it can get to be in a beautiful country but have no one to explore it with. I wouldn’t have minded going around alone if I didn’t have to work. But when I get out of the office at past 8 PM after an entire day of shooting (I feel like my arms and shoulders are about to give!), most shops and sites I can visit are already closed. Either that or I am already ultra-tired. Then there’s nothing to look forward to but buying food at the convenience store, going home to my warm apartment (that translates to me walking again for another 20-30 minutes), watching TV shows I cannot at all understand, and finally sleeping.

And calling home is too expensive–a 15 minute call card costs me 700 yen. And I cannot chat via YM. And coffee here costs 600 yen (you can get a cup for 50 from the vendo machine, but you can finish that in one gulp). Well, there’s no one to hang out with at night, anyway. 

And there’s no one to take my pictures. And it rains and rains.   

Oh, please don’t get me wrong. I am not at all complaining. (Hahaha! Biglang bawi!) Seriously, what I wrote above are mere statements of fact. Besides, here I learned so much life lessons I wouldn’t have learned elsewhere. But I really now need to go back home. 

Nami-miss ko na ang tigka-kwarenta pesos na kape (o 6 pesos pag 3-in-1), ang 60 pesos na lunch, ang mp3s ko, singing in the office (pinagsabihan ako dito the other day kasi bawal daw kumanta! Totoo!), my cellphone, texting, maingay na kwentuhan, ang pamilya ko, ang mga kabarkada ko, ang mga aso ko, ang manipis kong kutson, ang maalikabok kong kwarto, mga Tagalog na palabas sa TV, ang magsalita ng Tagalog, ang Jollibee…

Just four days to go, honey. Four days to go…

Account privacy and security is an important concern of Yahoo!. One of the ways we protect accounts from unauthorized access is by denying account assistance to individuals who contact us but are unable to match the information that was entered during the registration process.

We apologize for any inconvenience this causes, but we adhere to these guidelines in order to protect the privacy and security of all our user’s accounts. If you are unable to provide this information, you do have the option of opening a new account.

Sigh. I am tired of this nonsense.

I feel bad about losing seven years’ worth of emails: work-related stuff, senti letters, things that are of meaning to me… I wouldn’t be saving them if I found them to be of no importance, right? However, I already have so much on my hands right now that I can no longer afford to dwell on ill feelings that this mishap is causing me.

I have more essential things to think of and focus on.  I do not need all this negative energy.

My final reply?

THIS IS TERRIBLE!

All your talk about being able to "protect the privacy and security of all our user’s accounts." IS PLAIN BOGUS!!! If an account can so easily be hacked and changed by God-knows-who, IT IS NOT AT ALL SECURE.

"If you are unable to provide this information, you do have the option of opening a new account."

After finally realizing what lousy service you have? NO GODDAMN WAY!

This was Yahoo’s next reply to my email (where I reiterated that I cannot answer the goddamn Secret Question because I was not the one who entered it):

Hello,

We have been unable to match the secret answer you have provided as
being on record for the account in question.  It appears that the information you have provided does not match the information as it was entered at registration.  Please check your records and reply to this email.

If you are able to match the information in our system, we will be happy to provide further assistance to you.  For security reasons, we will not be able to assist you without matching *all* of the verification information we have requested.

Thank you again for contacting Yahoo! Customer Care.

I am pissed beyond belief! I was like, "Did you guys read my email AT ALL?!!!" How dare them give me some obviously canned reply when I have been stressing ever since I first wrote them that I seriously need to reactivate my account! Aaaaarggghhh!!!

Dear Sir,

I hope you read the concerns I raised in my previous email. I DELIBERATELY DID NOT GIVE ANY ANSWER TO THE SECRET QUESTION. Naturally, it will not match any secret answer you have in your record. I hope you guys at tech support will be more serious in receiving and responding to subscribers’ queries.

What I am saying is that I think my account has been tampered with. I DID NOT PUT THAT "Who is my first love" question. This is the reason why I DID NOT GIVE ANY SECRET ANSWER, contrary to what you’re saying in your latest response.  That is why I am also asking how else how I can validate my ownership of the account, like, can I fax you copies of my IDs or other documents that may be able to prove that I am, in fact, the owner of the cheryl_ingles@yahoo.com account.

If you can check my reply prior to this, I even listed down all the passwords I ever used since that account was created in 1999 or 1998, as I am certain I was the one who set those passwords. I was hoping you might have a record of these, too and can help convince you that I am, in fact, Cheryl Ingles.

If you did not receive the other information I placed in previous emails, my birthday is May 22, 1979 and my country is the Philippines. It has been 7 years since I created that account, and I have moved to so many different places that I no longer remember if I placed a zip code (and if I did, what zip code) or not.

Please, please, if there is SOME OTHER WAY i can prove to you that I own that account, let me know. You can ask me about latest emails sent and received, my Draft mails, my folder names…you can ask me ALL OF THOSE THINGS because I OWN THAT ACCOUNT and I desperately need to have it reactivated.

I am sorry, but this has become really frustrating. I do not know who on earth set that Secret Question, but I do know for a fact that my account has been hacked and my account information was changed.

Now, please let me know how else I can have that account reactivated and my identity validated instead of asking me again and again to give an answer to the "Who is my first love" secret question which I did not place there to begin with. Thank you very much.   

Hello,

Thank you for writing to Yahoo! Account Services.

The Security Question listed on this account is:

Who is my first love?

Please supply us with the Secret Answer you entered at the time you set up your account.  We will then be able to verify and update your information.

Thank you again for contacting Yahoo! Customer Care.

POTAAAAHHH!!!

Yesterday morning, I was trying to access my Yahoo account, and I kept getting the "Invalid user name or password" error message. I tried recovering my password, but when I input the information I think my friend, Len-len, entered (she created the email account for me, as I was a complete computer bozo before). Some stuff were easy to answer, like Country and Birthday. But then there are the Zip Code and Alternate email address fields–how can I possibly remember what information were entered there? And I sincerely doubt that Len-len can remember, too. Seven years is a long time, you know.

Really frustrated each time the screen displayed "The information you entered does not match the record in Yahoo" after countless tries, I wrote a love letter to the Yahoo technical support team using my office email account. I explained to them how I have been using the address for almost a decade, and that these are the account information I remember entering, yada-yada-yada. And the excerpt above is their (phew!) very helpful reply.

GREAT. How so wonderful.

Worse, I think someone really just tinkered with my account and changed my password and account protection’s Secret Question. I remember changing it once or twice since Len-len set it up for me. But, sheesh, do you think I will actually use a first love’s name as an answer to the Secret Question?!. Goodness, I know I could be a real ditz at times, but I am not that stupid!

My only source of relief now is that the account has been temporarily disabled and cannot be used to send sleazy mails to contacts in my address book. However, in case any of you receives an email from my cheryl_ingles@yahoo.com account dated March 16 onwards, PLEASE DISREGARD.

Who the hell hacked my account? It is so f**kin’ inconsiderate! I have been using that email address for about 7 years! I use it to chat with friends for free via Yahoo Messenger (especially now that I am abroad and calling from Tokyo to the Philippines is just so damn expensive!). I use it to remember friends and work contacts’ email addresses.  People I have not seen in ages sometimes write to me through that address. I use it as a repository of old files. I have tons of mails that have been in my Inbox and Sent folders since 1999!

Now they’re all PFFFT! Gone! and my only hope for recovery is to remember the name of my first love?!! WTF!

What if I have already forgotten?

I am doing a documentary on these Pinay students at the Tokyo Caregiver Academy (Higashi-Nihombashi, Tokyo)

Sometimes, I wake up and I still cannot believe this is really happening to me.

I was sent to another country to do a job I have always longed to do. I get to document inspiring tales of Filipinas who are struggling to survive and prove their worth in a country where women like them are generally looked down upon.

I have been in Ginza, Tokyo barely three days, and I already have gazillions of stories to tell about my experience. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury of time to do so right now. In the meantime, let me just unabashedly give this honest realization that I had as I walk down the streets of a foreign land far, far richer and more advanced than my own: I have never been prouder to be Filipino.

Kwento in a few days!

Hi, Cheryl.

You have a confirmed seat with Northwest on March 12, Sunday. Departure is at 8 in the morning. You have to be at the airport (old one not centennial) at least 3 hours before then. Your return is dated March 27 but it is rebookable. You may reconfirm your return flight with Northwest Tokyo once you are settled.

Have a smashing time in Tokyo!

I think this is one of THE BEST emails I have ever received.

Last Tuesday, our company President asked to speak with me. In his office, he asked when my VISA was set to expire. I answered, "Soon! March 14, sir."

He nodded and said, "I send you to Japan. You will handle…" then he went on describing my latest assignment.

I don’t think I remember half of what he told me. I’ve had my VISA since December last year (actually, I have a long story about my VISA application experience that I’ve always meant to write about, but I’ll save that for another entry).  When March came and I still haven’t used the VISA, I gave up all hopes of ever going to Japan.

I could hardly believe it. As I sat there, looking at my Japanese boss as if concentrating on what he was telling me, my mind was actually flying. I wanted to jump up and down. I couldn’t control the trembling of my hands nor the corners of my lips from curling up.

I am truly, officially, FINALLY going on my first out-of-the country trip! Wooo-hooo! I am so, so much happier than I could ever begin to describe!

I guess I’m off to Tokyo then! See all of you in two weeks or so.

1. During the first semester of my first year, I had 17 units. Ang UP naman kasi ay hindi gaya ng ibang unibersidad na umaabot ng mahigit trenta ang regular load ng mga estudyante. Sa amin, 15 units ay considered full load na.

Pagkatapos kong i-drop ang Math 17, nawalan na ako ng pag-asang maging honor student. 5 units kasi ito, kaya nung drinop ko siya, 12 units na lang ang natira sa akin. Meaning, underload na ako. Eh requirement na if you’re running for honors na walang semester na underload ka. Kaya ayun, simulang-simula pa lang ng pag-aaral ko ng kolehiyo ay gumuho na ang aking hopes of graduating “with flying honors” ika nga ng aking Broad Ass baby na si Aileen Dacanay. (Love you, anak. Hehehe).

2. Summer of 1997. I enrolled in Math 100, Calculus, para hindi ako ma-delay. Hindi kasi ako makakapag-take ng Econ 11 at Accounting without this subject. Kagulat-gulat na matino ang aking standing sa klaseng ito.

Isang araw, habang nagtuturo ang teacher ko ng tungkol sa mga graphs at charts, derivatives, at kung ano-ano pang Calculus stuff, it just hit me that if I graduate with a degree in Economics, these are the kind of stuff I’ll have to deal with all my working life. It was a major epiphany that just hit me out of the blue. That realization was a key turning point in my life.

3. Matapos mapirmahan ng aking Math 100 professor ang dropping form, na-realize kong hindi ko naman pwedeng aminin sa magulang ko na ako ay nag-drop. Ni hindi nga nila alam na drinop ko ang Math 17 nung first sem! Kelangan ay araw-araw pa rin akong umalis ng bahay at pumunta ng UP. Na-guilty naman ako ng lubusan sa bawat paghingi ko ng baon habang alam ko naman na wala na dapat akong klase. Ang ginawa ko na lang, nag-apply ako bilang service crew sa Jollibee Philcoa! At alam niyo na ang aking kwentong Jollibee…

4. Bago nagsimula ang aking second year sa UP, napag-desisyunan kong isang kurso sa College of Mass Comm ang mas nababagay sa akin. Kaya minsan ay pumunta ako sa CMC at kumuha ng kanilang course outline. Second semester lang pwede ang shifting sa college na ito, kaya nung first sem of 1997, halos lahat ng subjects na kinuha ko ay alinsunod na sa curriculum ng BA Broadcast Communication. Talagang lakasan lang ng loob yun dahil ni hindi ko nga sigurado kung aabot ako sa limited number of slots for CMC shiftees, sabay may General Weighted Average (GWA) requirement pa ang college na 2.0.

We used to joke that the School of Economics should also be named “School of Electives” dahil ubod ng daming electives and ina-allow sa BS Economics course. Nung sem before I formally shifted to Broad Comm, hindi na ako kumuha ng subjects na pang-Econ. Ang thinking ko naman kasi, kung hindi man ako palaring makapag-shift to Mass Comm, those subjects could always be credited as electives. Delayed na delayed nga lang ako kung sakaling kinailangan kong tumuloy sa Econ. 

2^nd sem of 1997, matapos ang isang buong araw ng pilahan, naging pormal na ang pagshi-shift ko sa Broadcast Communication.

Nagalit ang mga magulang ko ng nalaman nila. Halos two weeks ata nila akong hindi kinausap. Ang feeling kasi nila higher college ang Econ kesa sa Masscomm. What they didn’t know was that just like BS Econ, Broad Comm is a quota course as well.

5. Palagi akong naka-shades, shorts, at sandals. Halos araw-araw ito, lalo na during my final year na tig-9 units na lang ako per sem. Syempre, pwera na lang kung klase ni Atty. Avecilla dahil di niya pinapapasok ang naka-shorts at sleeveless. 

6. Lagi akong nasisigawan ng “Puñeta! Naka-shorts ka na naman!” ng aking guro sa Spanish 1 and 2 na si Signora Soresca. Kasi napaka-ulyanin ko at madalas kong nakakalimutan na bawal nga pala ang shorts sa klase nya. Sa mga ibang araw naman, “Puñeta! Late ka na naman!” ang isinisigaw niya sa akin.  

7. Ang iba pang language electives na kinuha ko ay Portuguese 10 at Italian 10.

8. Nagsimula ako mag-shave ng legs at mag-pluck ng kilay.

9. Matapos akong duguin para maipasa ang Math 17, di man lang ito na-credit nung nag shift ako. Kinailangan ko pa mag-Math 1. Waaa!

10. “Class Oppositor” ako sa BC 100 class ni Atty. Chito Avecilla. Isa siya sa mga pinaka-terror na propesor sa Mass Comm. Bilang Class Oppositor, ang tanging trabaho ko lang ay barahin ng barahin at tanungin ng tanungin ang bawat magre-report sa class. Yung tipong, hiyang-hiya na ako sa mga kaklase namin kasi pakiramdam ko nababanas na sila sa akin. Pagkatapos ng bawat grilling, bumubulong na lang ako sa kanila ng “Sorry po,” sabay turo kay Sir Avecilla. Hindi naman sila nagalit sa akin. 

Very creative ang teacher na ito. At the beginning of the sem, he’d give each student the same amount of play money. Then, during class, he’d ask Yes/No/Maybe or True/ False questions. Tapos sa klase, pupusta ang bawat isa sa sagot. Pag ikaw ang highest earner for the day, makikipag-laban ka sa kanya sa isang game of Card Sharks at ipupusta mo na naman ang a certain amount from your winnings. Siguro twice nangyari ito sa akin, pero never ko syang natalo sa Card Sharks. Ang may pinakamaraming pera sa katapusan ng sem ay may additional points.

Maraming nagwa-warn na wag kuhanin ang professor na ito, pero isa sya sa pinaka-matatalino at magagaling na naging teachers ko sa UP. Mahilig nga lang siyang mang-trip. I took three classes under him: BC 100, C120 (Law and the Mass Media), and C191 (Media Ethics).

11. I had an article published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Youngblood. You know the kind of articles that you write while riding on high emotions? Then you just mindlessly send it? It was that kind of article. I just snail mailed and forgot about it eventually. One time, pagpasok ko sa Comm 3 class, excited na lumapit sa akin ang isang kaklase ko at nilagay ang dyaryo sa kamay ko. Pagturo nya sa isang column, nakita ko yung pangalan ko! IT’S SUCH A WONDERFUL FEELING! I was ecstatic!

12. Sometimes, we unwittingly touch or influence people in profound ways. Isang beses, habang nakaupo ako sa tambayan ng org namin, sabi sa akin ng orgmate ko, “Oy, may sulat ka galing Batanes.” (Sheesh, I actually forget if it is Basilan or Batanes! Anyways…) He handed me an envelope. Pagtingin ko sa stamp, galing nga sa isang faraway probinsya! Ang nakalagay lang sa harap ay “To Cheryl B. Ingles, UP-College of Mass Communication.”

Di ba sa ilalim ng bawat published Youngblood article, may brief description ang author? “Cheryl B. Ingles is a sophomore at the UP-College of Mass Communication” lang kasi ang nakalagay doon sa article ko. Sobra akong natuwa kasi this person was so touched by what I wrote na nag-effort pa talaga syang sumulat sa akin! Naka-yellow pad tapos handwritten lang, but it’s one of the most special letters I have ever received. I remember corresponding with him briefly, pero na-cut din eventually. Still, it was such a great, eye-opening experience. I remember one of Siddhartha’s realizations as he sat by the river: “We all belong to the unity of things. Our individual selves are but part of a whole.”

13. I answered the phone one time and a man was looking for me. I didn’t recognize the voice, so I go, “Who’s this?” He replied, “This is Gary.” I was like, “Gary who?” Sabi niya, “Gary Granada.”

Surprised, I blurted out, “Oh my God! The composer?!”

Highschool pa lang kasi ako, kilala ko na ang pangalan niya. Not that I was a fan, but I had a classmate who was. I just knew he was a singer-composer of alternative music. Pero IBA PA RIN na tumawag siya SA BAHAY KO, di ba?! Naturalmente, tinanong ko kung paano niya nakuha ang number ko at bakit siya tumawag sa akin. Sabi niya, nagtatrabaho din siya sa UP, at ni-research niya sa Mass Comm ang record ko kaya nalaman niya ang aking telephone number. Nabasa niya daw kasi ang article ko sa Youngblood, at gusto niya daw ako ma-meet because he wanted me to write something for him!

Sobra akong amazed na amazed kasi naalala pa niya that Recah Trinidad, a PDI columnist, once mentioned in his column that he read a Ginebra article which I wrote and that he loved it so much he forwarded it to the Youngblood editor for publishing! Gary asked me to bring a copy of the Ginebra article that Recah was talking about.

So one or two days after we talked, I met up with him at Chocolate Kiss, sa Bahay ng Alumni. He discussed what he wanted me to do, etc. He gave me a CD of his songs (bullshit aside, his lyrics are great!). Unfortunately, the project didn’t push through, pero ito na naman tayo sa perennial punto kong hindi mo malalaman kung sino ang nababago at naaapektuhan sa bawat bagay na ginagawa, sinasabi, o sinusulat mo…

14. Sumali ako Da Best na organisasyon sa Kolehiyo ng Pang-Madlang Komunikasyon: the UP-CMC Broadcasting Association, more popularly known as BROAD ASS!

15. Broad Ass ang isa sa may pinakamaiksing application period sa UP, pero intensive kung intensive! Kwento nga ng mga barkada ko sa Econ, minsan daw natatanaw nila ako sa Masscomm na nagtatatakbo habang naka-costume at super naawa sila sa akin. Isip daw nila, “Che-che, baket mo ginagawa yan!?” Pero ultra-supportive ang mga ito. Minsan, hinahatid pa nila ako para lang hindi ako mag-commute ng dala ko ang aking ubod ng laking mga costumes!

Napakadami kong nais ikwento tungkol sa aking Broad Ass application, pero baka maubos ko ang aking bandwidth allocation sa blog na ito…

16. Telebabad mula gabi hanggang sa pagsikat ng araw.

17. I was a chain smoker. I used to smoke more than a pack a day, especially during my final year. Nung simula, I smoked Marlboro Lights. After that, I was on Winston Reds na. Aba, halos 8 years din akong smoker before I finally quit last January of 2005. 

18. I was invited to join a sorority. I felt really flattered when I received the invite, especially since the recommendation came from one of my professors. I was in class then when two fratmen came into the room to look for me. I was asked to go to my professor’s cubicle. As I stood there, my prof introduced me to a bunch of sorority girls who handed me the formal invite.

I almost joined but I decided eventually that I didn’t want to. Ngayon na grumaduate na ako, however, I can’t help but think sometimes kung ano kaya ang nangyari kung tinuloy ko ang sorority application ko.

19. Iisa lang ang singko ko at ito ay galing kay Professor Varona na kilala sa Masscomm na kamukha ni Manoling Morato ng MTRCB. Obsessed sa attendance ang teacher na ito, habang ako naman ay isang taong palaging late! Ayun, singko. Hehehe.

20. Wala rin akong uno and I was never a College or University Scholar (ito ang UP terms pag ang GWA mo for a sem ay 1.75 above—it does not mean na formal UP scholar ang CS at US).

21. Hindi ako kumuha ng partner for my thesis, even though I opted to come up with a Production Thesis pa rin. It’s a 30-second Public Service Announcement on Wife Battering.

Kung hindi ako naniniwala sa himala noon, nabago lahat iyon ng matapos ko ang thesis ko! Wala akong partner, wala akong computer, wala akong camera, tape recorder, equipment, wala akong pera…Pero meron akong friends-marami! At meron akong faith. At meron akong supportive family. At meron akong napaka-napaka-napaka-galing na Thesis Adviser na si Ma’am Betsy Enriquez. And at the end of the day, meron din akong Best Production Thesis nomination.

Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin lubusang maisip kung paano ko naisulat ang halos 100 pages na thesis na umaasa lamang sa computer rental…

May nangyari pa nga one time na nung ipi-print ko na dapat ang second draft ng thesis ko sa office ng kaibigan ni Mommy, aksidenteng na-delete ko ba naman ito from the diskette! Hagulgol talaga ako to the max dahil iyon lang ang katangi-tanging kopya ko at wala nga kasi akong computer. Buti na lang naalala ko na lagi akong nagse-save sa hard drive ng computer na nire-rent ko sa Shopping Center ng UP! Buti na lang at na-retrrieve ko yung file doon. Whew!

22. Love came.

23. Sobra akong nahilig sa inom. Super Dry ang lagi kong order noon, pero nagkaron ng time na madalas hindi ito available. Pale Pilsen na ang next preferred beer. Pasimula pa lang mauso ang San Mig Light noon, pero halos hindi ko ito ino-order. Natatabangan kasi ako, at ang lasa ko sa kanya ay beer na tinunawan ng isang katerbang yelo.

Ang lagi naming tambayan ng Toma Group (ito ang grupo ng mga resident Assers na kasama sa hobbies ang uminom ng uminom at mag-yosi ng mag-yosi) ay ang Sarah’s sa may Krus na Ligas. Ang Sarah’s ay parang garahe lang pero napakadaming nagpupunta, Sobrang mura kasi ng pulutan at beer. Tanda ko pa na ang Super Dry noon ay 18 pesos lang. Ang Pale, 15 nga lang ata. Minsan, tanghaling tapat, in between classes, nag-iinuman pa kami.

Kung hindi lang iilang sikreto ang nabunyag sa madidilim at maduduming sulok ng Sarah’s…

24. Teacher ko si Che-Che Lazaro sa BC 133 (Broadcast Journalism). Palagay ko’y ni hindi man lang niya ako maaalala kung makita man nya ako ngayon, pero masaya pa rin ako na ang final report na pinass ko sa kanya ay nilagyan niya ng remark na, “Good VO!” Hahaha. Ang babaw ko. Anyway, ang news report ko eh tungkol sa mga miyembro ng Jesus Miracle Crusade na nagra-rally sa Senado dahil sa pag-kidnap ng Abu Sayyaf sa leader nila.

25. Summer of 2000 – naga-out of town trip kami almost every weekend. Hindi ko na iisa-isahin ang experiences dito dahil baka umabot ako ng 200 items sa listahan na ito.

26. Ang Internet rental noon sa Shopping Center ay 40 per hour. Pero kung Microsoft Office lang ang gagamitin mo, 25 pesos. Kaya bago ka gumamit ng computer noon, sasabihin mo muna kung “Typing” lang o “Internet.”

27. Sobrang naging close ng highschool barkada ko ang ilan sa mga boys sa klase namin. Naaalala ko na minsan, mayroon kaming isang high school gathering na halos isang lingo kong pinag-planuhan ang susuotin ko at kalahating araw akong nag-ayos. Nang sunduin na ako sa bahay, talagang full force pa sila. Nandyan ang mga barkada kong ghels at ang mga boylets. Syempre dahil super prepared ang lola mo, paglabas ko mega-project.

Biruin mo ba namang sa kamalas-malasan, nadulas ako! At hindi lang ito basta dulas…napa-higa ako sa semento! Hindi ako nasaktan, pero hindi ko nagawang tumayo kaagad. Hindi ako makapaniwalang what just transpired really happened. Hindi ito at all ang scene na ini-imagine kong mangyayari! Habang nakahiga, ang tanging nasabi ko lang ay, “Nadulas ako!” Sa isip-isip siguro nila, “Yes, Che, we can see that.”

Pinigil pa ng mga walangya ang tumawa. Pero nung papasok na ako sa bahay para magpalit ng damit, narinig ko ang mala-chorus ng kantang sabay-sabay nilang pag-halakhak.

28. Nung April 1998, nabili ko ang aking kauna-unahang cellphone. Ito ay ang mala-pang kaskas ng yelo na Nokia 5110. Ito pa ang isa sa mga pinakabagong models dati!

Libre pa ang texting noon. Wala pang SMS technology ang Smart, Globe pa lang ang meron. Separate pa ang payment for calls and texts. You pay 220 sa Globe for a full month of unlimited texting, and then you buy a separate call card for your calls. 250 pa ang lowest call card load ng Globe noon. Kaya minsan, 3 buwan akong walang load! Puro text lang kasi libre naman.

Dahil nga libre, sobrang sipag ng lahat ng tao mag-text dati! Tipong pag nagising ka at “10 messages received” lang ang nasa phone mo, masama pa ang loob mo dahil konti ang nag-text. Tanda ko na nagte-text pa ako sa lahat ng tao sa phone book ko ng “Good morning” at “Good night” everyday! Although nagkaroon din ng period na dahil ubod ng hirap mag-send. Parang halos 30 tries ka na eh laging “Message Sending Failed” pa rin.

29. Nag-crew din ako sa ACA Video. Sa Katipunan at sa Mindanao Avenue.

30. I can never tell if it’s by fate or by accident, but it’s in college that I “stumbled” upon a fantastic soul who is my best friend now: si Aura.

Hahaha. Joke lang, Raz!

Hindi na kita dito ikekwento. Kelangan ng isang buong blog entry para lamang sa iyo.

31. O sige, isang anecdote na lang tungkol kay bespren Raz. Wala akong susi ng gate dati. Eh palagi kaming madaling araw umuwi galing sa kung saan-saang gimmick. Malamang hindi ko naman pwedeng bulabugin ang pamilya ko para buksan ang gate! Ang ginagawa ni Raz tuwing ihahatid niya ako ay sasampa siya sa bakod (talagang ma-effort gawin ito dahil may kataasan ang mga grills ng bakod namin!) at saka niya bubuksan ang gate mula sa loob. Halos isang taon nya ginagawa ang physically challenging task na ito. Only to realize by accident one night na kasya naman pala ang braso namin sa mga puwang sa gate at hindi naman na pala nya kelangan umakyat after all. HAHAHA!

32. Umiyak at nagalit ako ng ayaw nilang buksan ang “envelope” mula sa Equitable Bank. Nagsuot ako ng itim at naki-rally, naki-sigaw, naki-kanta, at naki-sayaw sa iba pang mga kabataang tulad ko sa EDSA Dos. Dere-derecho kinabukasan hanggang Mendiola. Pagbukas ko ng TV ng nakauwi na ako sa bahay, nakasakay na sa isang barge si Erap at paalis na ng Malacañang.

Pero ngayon, naiisip ko that it still pales in comparison to EDSA 1. Not to downplay what we fought for during our own time, but the passion, bravery, and heroism of those in EDSA 1 are really amazing and worthy of envy and admiration. I am sure majority of those who went to EDSA 2 had pure intentions, but still there are times when I get this icky feeling that EDSA 2 somehow ended up as a giant street party.  

33. Bilang regalo sa aking 21^st birthday party, nagdala ang mga perennial Broad Ass kainuman kong sina Ronnie at Patrick ng paraphernalia para sa Beer Bong! Super fun! Yun ang tanging experience ko na nakaubos ako ng isang buong bote ng beer in less than a minute! Tsalap!

My 21^st birthday is hands-down one of the best birthday celebrations I have ever had. After the Broad Ass gen meet, we all drove to my house then in Mindanao Ave. Plenty of cars were lined up in our street. More people came as the night progressed. Then there was some sort of buttering-up session (that was a real treat cause I never had the “18 candles” sort of thing). My high school friends came too. Then we moved to Rina’s place in Tandang Sora and had the magnificent beer bong! Whopee!  

34. Mula ng mawala ko ang una kong ID, lagi kong nami-miss ang schedule ko sa pagpapapicture kaya ayun…grumaduate at grumaduate ako sa UP ng wala akong pormal na ID.

35. Napaka-delinkwente kong estudyante, hanggang sa final semester ko ay nagpi-PE pa din ako!

36. Minsan, meron akong Soc. Sci 2 final exam na super duper wala akong gana mag-review. Ilang oras na akong nage-effort magbasa at intindihin ang readings ko, wala talagang pumapasok sa utak ko.

Out of frustration, gumawa ako ng dalawang small strips of paper. Ang isa ay sinulatan ko ng “Study”, at ang isa naman ay sinulatan ko ng “Sleep.” Matapos kong gawin ito ay nagdasal ako. Sabi ko sa Diyos, ano ba talaga ang gusto niyang mangyari. Nilagay ko sa isang container ang dalawang papel at bumunot ako ng isa. Ang nabunot ko ay “Sleep.”

Tumingala ako at nag-mutter na, “O, sabi mo yan ha!” at kaagad pumasok sa kwarto para matulog. Natural, hindi na ako pumasok for my final exam at ni-retake ko na lang ang subject the next sem.

37. Trained kami sa mga production classes namin sa Broad Comm na mag-cue at mag-play ng Plaka! Memoryado ko pa din ang Director’s spiel sa TV Production class ni Ma’am Evelyn David na: “Ready to go grams. Ready to Fade in to 1. Ready to cue talent. Ready to cut to 2.” Repeat 100 times hanggang mag-simula ang production mo!

38. Ang Radio Internship ko ay sa DZUP, ang in-house radio station ng UP. Iilan lang kaming interns sa DZUP non. Madalas, mag-isa ako sa shift ko. Ako ang Technical Director, Spinner, DJ, producer, writer…HAY! Kaya minsan pag tinatamad ako, sasabihin ko sa spiel ko, “This is your no talk, all music radio station.” At magpapatugtog ako ng isang buong CD at lalabas ng booth para makipag-chikahan!

39. Ang venue ng graduation namin ay ang UP Film Center. Our speaker then was the late Sen. Raul Roco who gave a wonderful speech on how it is the responsibility of state scholars like us to give back to the nation. I really took to heart what he said to us that day.

I did not attend the University Graduation which was also set on the same day as our College Grad.

40. I, along with my fellow Asser graduates, stayed overnight at the Manila Pen in Makati to celebrate. That graduation celebration was one heck of an adventure from beginning to end!

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

I know what he means.

Unknown to many, there was an episode in my life two years ago when I seriously contemplated comitting suicide. At around this period in 2004, I was jobless, directionless, my relationships had gone awry, and I couldn’t quite get past the numerous rejections (which, golly, seemed to come in all shapes and forms) that the previous year brought. In a nutshell, I toyed with the idea of killing myself cause I felt like a) there was no point to anything; b) there was no one to run to; and c) I was such a big failure, shit-shit-shit. I never thought of myself as the suicidal type, but I learned then that there’s really no telling when depression intense enough to kill would hit. In my journal then, I wrote:

i know with much certainty, though, that this is not a cry for help because i have no need for it. i don’t need advice. i don’t need a vacation. i don’t need a listening ear or a hug to make me feel better. i am sad, and i know none of those can help me.

sometimes, the loneliness becomes too intense. and it becomes worse whenever my mind just goes blank each time i ask myself why i am sad.

it–the pain–cannot possibly be imaginary. because i feel it. it’s here. heart. pit of my stomach. gnawing at me. every day. attacking without warning. and it certainly is not fleeting.

i am bothered, too. greatly so.

i am scared of what i might do to myself. i am scared of the prospect of reaching the peak of this sadness. i am scared that i might be nearing the edge faster than i am aware of. and finally falling off.

suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

that was how i used to define it. or maybe i didn’t know then what i was talking about.

no, not temporary. because it won’t go away. i tried. but it just won’t. reprieve is as elusive as a gratifying job that i can never seem to get my hands on. no matter how much i stretch my limbs, it is just always out of reach. 

Then, just when I thought I’ve reached THE lowest of lows, sources of strength seemed to jump at me from different places. This turnaround was initially triggered by an entry written by a blogger I secretly stalk (tee-hee!). After this awakening, I wrote in another journal entry:

"…the utter senselessness of death when it comes so early makes me take another look at my life, what I have, what I’ve done, what I’ve given, and it makes me realize that I want more time, more days, more years to do things, to create, to live, to love, to grow."

so wrote another blogger whose site i discovered just recently.

suicide: a selfish act.

never mind the cowardice and emotional frailty it entails. it is bad because it is done without regard for other people’s feelings and the inevitable reactions to a self-induced death.

"I want more time, more days, more years to do things, to create, to live, to love, to grow."

true. so true.

what the fuck was i thinking?!

After this mindset overhaul, every aspect of my life took a complete turn, too! First, I stumbled upon a job I truly fell in love with. Then, friends I thought I lost were back in my life. I experienced so many new things, rediscovered values I thought I have long forgotten, and found again the capability to feel happy despite the knowledge that reasons to hate the world remain plenty.

After that really bad experience, no difficulty–big or small–got me thinking about suicide ever again. Sadness comes, of course. I still cry a lot. I get really frustrated and angry. Feelings of disappointment remain inevitable. But I, much to my own amazement, am able to handle these huge emotions way better than I ever had. 

I get ditched, I get rejected, I get left behind, I do things wrong, I fall short of expectations (others’ and my own), I fuck up plans…I allow myself to sulk and grieve for a short while, tell myself, "Not for me" or "Ganon talaga," learn from the experience, and move on.

One of my all-time favorite quotes go, "The turning point in the whole process of growing up is when you discover the core strength within you that survives all hurt." I sincerely think I have already found that core strength in me.

In the midst of all things shitty, happiness and hope remain. Faith and strength of heart are things that no amount of sadness and failure can take away from me.

Invincible summer it is.