My Turf

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

I know what he means.

Unknown to many, there was an episode in my life two years ago when I seriously contemplated comitting suicide. At around this period in 2004, I was jobless, directionless, my relationships had gone awry, and I couldn’t quite get past the numerous rejections (which, golly, seemed to come in all shapes and forms) that the previous year brought. In a nutshell, I toyed with the idea of killing myself cause I felt like a) there was no point to anything; b) there was no one to run to; and c) I was such a big failure, shit-shit-shit. I never thought of myself as the suicidal type, but I learned then that there’s really no telling when depression intense enough to kill would hit. In my journal then, I wrote:

i know with much certainty, though, that this is not a cry for help because i have no need for it. i don’t need advice. i don’t need a vacation. i don’t need a listening ear or a hug to make me feel better. i am sad, and i know none of those can help me.

sometimes, the loneliness becomes too intense. and it becomes worse whenever my mind just goes blank each time i ask myself why i am sad.

it–the pain–cannot possibly be imaginary. because i feel it. it’s here. heart. pit of my stomach. gnawing at me. every day. attacking without warning. and it certainly is not fleeting.

i am bothered, too. greatly so.

i am scared of what i might do to myself. i am scared of the prospect of reaching the peak of this sadness. i am scared that i might be nearing the edge faster than i am aware of. and finally falling off.

suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

that was how i used to define it. or maybe i didn’t know then what i was talking about.

no, not temporary. because it won’t go away. i tried. but it just won’t. reprieve is as elusive as a gratifying job that i can never seem to get my hands on. no matter how much i stretch my limbs, it is just always out of reach. 

Then, just when I thought I’ve reached THE lowest of lows, sources of strength seemed to jump at me from different places. This turnaround was initially triggered by an entry written by a blogger I secretly stalk (tee-hee!). After this awakening, I wrote in another journal entry:

"…the utter senselessness of death when it comes so early makes me take another look at my life, what I have, what I’ve done, what I’ve given, and it makes me realize that I want more time, more days, more years to do things, to create, to live, to love, to grow."

so wrote another blogger whose site i discovered just recently.

suicide: a selfish act.

never mind the cowardice and emotional frailty it entails. it is bad because it is done without regard for other people’s feelings and the inevitable reactions to a self-induced death.

"I want more time, more days, more years to do things, to create, to live, to love, to grow."

true. so true.

what the fuck was i thinking?!

After this mindset overhaul, every aspect of my life took a complete turn, too! First, I stumbled upon a job I truly fell in love with. Then, friends I thought I lost were back in my life. I experienced so many new things, rediscovered values I thought I have long forgotten, and found again the capability to feel happy despite the knowledge that reasons to hate the world remain plenty.

After that really bad experience, no difficulty–big or small–got me thinking about suicide ever again. Sadness comes, of course. I still cry a lot. I get really frustrated and angry. Feelings of disappointment remain inevitable. But I, much to my own amazement, am able to handle these huge emotions way better than I ever had. 

I get ditched, I get rejected, I get left behind, I do things wrong, I fall short of expectations (others’ and my own), I fuck up plans…I allow myself to sulk and grieve for a short while, tell myself, "Not for me" or "Ganon talaga," learn from the experience, and move on.

One of my all-time favorite quotes go, "The turning point in the whole process of growing up is when you discover the core strength within you that survives all hurt." I sincerely think I have already found that core strength in me.

In the midst of all things shitty, happiness and hope remain. Faith and strength of heart are things that no amount of sadness and failure can take away from me.

Invincible summer it is.