My Turf

Nung isang araw, nasa isang kapehan ako along Tomas Morato kasama si Raz at Sherlyn. Galing kami sa isang very relaxing, stress-relieving vacation– 3 straight days of just lounging and gorging with guiltless oblivion–and we were capping the week with that night-out. Sa labas kami nakaupo. Biglang may maduming batang lumapit sa amin at hinirit ang usual script at tono ng mga tulad nya na nakakarindi na: "Kuya, Ate, pahingi naman po ng barya. Pang-baon ko lang po sa iskuuulll. Sige na poooo…"

Eh di syempre, kaming tatlo naman ay umiling-iling sabay deadma sa bata. Pero makulit ang bruho. Kung may limang beses o higit pa niyang inulit ang kanyang spiel. At hind pa na-kuntento, umupo pa ito sa bakanteng upuan at ipinagpatuloy ang kanyang pagmamakaawa.

Irita kami sa kanya but we tried to keep ignoring him. But no, itong si Sherlyn ay hindi ba naman nakatiis and started giving the kid a lecture. Hindi ko maintindihan kung hahagikgik ako o sasakalin ko siya dahil pinatulan pa nya yung bata. Dati kasing pre-school teacher ang lola Sherl, kaya baka di niya matiis na hindi siya i-suheto.

At eto pa ang da best. Sa kalagitnaan ng lecture ni Sherlyn, sinabi nyang, "Alam mo bang bawal sa laws natin na magbigay sa mga pulubi?!"

Ang batang lalaki, obviously offended, ay napa-angat sa kanyang upuan at humirit ng makasaysayang, "Baket, pulubi ba ako?!"

We were all at the same time amused and weirded out by this kid! Pati kaming dalawa ni Raz na nung una ay sumubok pang wag makisali sa usapan nila ni Teacher Sherlyn ay natawa at napasabi ng, "Hello?! Namamalimos ka kaya!"

Tuloy sa pagda-drama ang bata. Tumayo ito at nag-walk out. Habang naglalakad papalayo, sabi ito ng sabi ng, "Hindi ako pulubi!" Maya-maya, bumalik ito kasama ang isang kaibigan at biglang sumigaw ng, "Ulol!" Talagang dalawang beses pa!

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko sa sitwasyong iyon. Mayroong parte sa akin na naiinis dahil ganon lang kadali para sa kanya ang mag-shift from paawa mode to evil. With shouts of "Ulol" to older people he did not even know. Sa kabilang banda, naaawa rin ako sa kanya dahil kung tutuusin ay biktima lang naman talaga siya ng mga pangyayaring hindi naman niya kagustuhan. At nakakalungkot na pati sa kalagayan that he lives and breathes every single day ay in denial pa sya.

Naalala ko tuloy ang ex-boyfriend ni Mahal (yung, pardon the term, unanong artista na nagpa-Botox daw!) na si Jimboy nung tinanong siya on-air kung siya ba ay bading. Sumagot ba naman ang walanghiya ng matinis na matinis na, "Hello?!" with matching tuck-a-strand-of-hair-behind-the-ear motion.

Hay, buhay…Kulang na lang ay tumugtog sa background ang kanta ni April Boy Regino na, "Di ko kayang tanggapin!" sabay cross arms over your head.

Nung kahulihan, pinagtawanan na lang naming tatlo ang nangyari. Iniisip pa namin na paano kaya kung coÑo pala talaga yung bata tapos nung tawagin siya ni Sherlyn na pulubi eh sasagot sya ng, "No shit?!"

Hahaha. O di kaya naman ay, "You’re kidding!" o "Oh, yeah?"

Just recently,  I’ve been testing my will and capacity to live the "Try everything at least once" attitude. I was in Tokyo when I first decided to try it out and be brave and do things I wouldn’t have done under normal circumstances.

For instance, I usually pass up on amusement park rides, but got on the scariest ones when I was in Tokyo Dome (including that unbelievable 30-storey drop they call the Tower Hacker). And I went salsa-dancing one night in Roppongi.

Ulk. It makes my stomach turn each time I remember. If you have been following this blog long (or if you’ve been my friend long!), you already know that I detest dancing in public. But that Thursday night, three days before my scheduled return to the Philippines, I kept thinking, "Oh, what the hell!" and egged myself on with my new Try everything at least once motto.

Salsa- dancing is something I never would have done if I were in the Philippines. But WTF, I thought then. I am in Japan, and not more than three people in the room know me anyway!

It started with me having dinner with a friend. Who had to pick up her injured boyfriend in faraway Kawasaki. Who was with his classmate. And all three of them wanted to do something fun for the night.

The boyfriend’s friend sat at the back of the car with me. Turned out he’s Venezuelan who’s crazy about salsa-dancing and led us to this bar in Roppongi where no one stays seated because everyone is on the floor swaying and twirling to Spanish songs.

So this person held out his hand and patiently tried doing this salsa thing with rhythm-helpless me. I remember how I said, "I’m sorry, I’m sorry!" about a thousand times because, really, I have two left feet and I kept stepping on his toes…the poor guy.

But in retrospect, it got pretty fun eventually. And he was a great dancer. He made even me appear okay. I started really enjoying it, especially after I decided to loosen up, confident in the fact that they’d never see me again after that night anyway.

Then of course, we couldn’t dance for hours on end without rest. Sat at the bar and made small talk. Whisper. Butterfly kiss. Hold hands. Drink–talk–drink. 

Then in the darkness, I squinted and noticed someting glinting.

"Oh, you have a ring," and held up his left hand, like it were some evidence.

"Why do you look at that?"

"Why shouldn’t I?!"

Then he went on giving me some stupid lecture on seizing the day and not letting moments pass and other irritating rhetoric that I nodded my head at, but did not at all buy. I frowned and felt more than a little irked. I’m no idiot, you asshole.

He still continued to be touchy and shit, but I’ve lost interest. And I am not that drunk. And rhum coke , two bottles of beer, and sweet talk will not earn you an invitation to my apartment. Especially not if you’re a married man.

I pulled away and put my hands in my coat pockets so he won’t be able to hold them.

A couple of minutes after, we all called it a night and trooped back to the car. In the backseat, I sat with him and waited for my friend and her boyfriend. He tried to get near again, but I put my hand on his lips (Hahaha. I swear, I really did!) and shook my head. That’s the closest you can get to me, dear. 

Sigh.

Parked in front of my apartment building, I said the customary goodbye and got off the car with nary a second glance. So much for my Japan "Try everything at least once" brouhaha.

I went up to my room and spent the rest of the night alone.

I just had my 6th month appraisal explained to me by my boss. It’s confirmed: I’ll officially be a regular employee on the 10th of April! Yipee! Yahoo! Yehey! Woo-hoo!

The longest I have worked in one company is 1 year and four months. Unless nothing untoward that’s big enough to make me resign (or get me terminated) comes up, I think I want to be in this job for the long haul.

After my discussion with my boss, I realized one thing. She explained to me that while she recognizes that my heart and inclinations lean more on the creative side, I have to start learning the business aspect of marketing. And I agree with her. If I were to do what I have always longed to, I need to learn the basics of business and promotions as well.

I dream of bigger things, but I recognize that I remain in need of further training. I cannot hope to become what I have always longed to be if I my skills are limited to writing scripts for AVPs and print advertisements.

Tipping Point

I attended a  4-day Social Artistry seminar in Tagaytay last year, and there I learned the concept of a Tipping Point. This concept assures that at a certain point, all the efforts you exerted in order to reach your goal, every seemingly unconnected person, opportunity and circumstance, will come together and culminate. All that used to seem pointless, meaningless, and "going nowhere," will result in a success bigger than you ever thought possible.

Sabi ni Henry David Thoreau, "If you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams and endeavor to live the life which you have imagined, you will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. New, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within you, and you will live with the license of a higher order of beings."

This is a belief I have long held and strived to live by. I am not losing sight of this goal. Not anymore.

Anong meron ang taong happy?

Ano nga bang meron ang taong happy (bukod sa Enervon. Hehehe)?

It is an unfaltering faith. It is an unfailing belief that good things will come–they are bound to if you keep doing your darnedest best. And when such a belief has been ingrained in your system, no amount of failure and heartache can alter or dissolve it. Then every event that comes your way is seen as a blessing–an opportunity to do things right. Or better.

I have been burned and said no to more times that I care to count. I have made gazillions of mistakes, and failed in big and small things alike. But no matter how impossible it feels like at times, I strive to keep at my goal steadfastly. Always burning with the belief that that tipping point–my own time to shine and strut my stuff–is sure to come.      

Hay, my dreams!

Hang on, I am on my way…

Sobrang luma na ng kanta ng Sugarfree na Kwarto pero ngayon ko lang na-appreciate ang lyrics. Ubod ng dumi kasi ang kwarto ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Syempre, dalawang linggo itong hindi nalinis nung nandon ako sa Japan. Tapos nung bumalik ako, napakadami kong kailangang habuling trabaho sa opisina na tumambak ng tumambak nung ako ay wala. Kaya ayun, gabi-gabi akong umuuwi sa maduming kwarto hanggang sa hindi ko na matiis at kinailangan ko nang maglinis.

Pero hindi tungkol sa literal na kalat at alikabok ang blog entry na ito. Naging trigger lang ang pinakahuling karanasan ko sa muling pagkakamulat ng aking mga mata sa bagong kamalayan. Ang entry na ito ay tungkol sa paglilinis ng mga dumi sa buhay. Ito ay tungkol sa pagsasa-ayos ng lahat ng bagay na gumugulo sa aking mundo. Ito ay tungkol sa pagtatapon ng mga "bagay na hindi ko na kailangan." Ito ay tungkol sa bagong simula.

Minsan sa ating buhay, pinipilit nating kumapit sa mga tao, bagay, at alaala kahit na ito ay nagdudulot ng labis na sakit sa atin. Ngunit tulad ng sumulat ng kantang Kwarto, sa aking pagmumuni-muni ay naisip kong hindi ko naman kailangang mag-dusa. May kapasidad naman ako para mag-linis ng dumi. Kaya ko namang mag-linis ng kalat. Mahirap, nakakaiyak, nakakapagod…hindi madaling isipin kung dapat mo bang itabi o ilagay sa basurahan ang mga bagay na nagdadala ng maraming alaala pero nagdudulot naman sa iyo ng sakit sa tuwing ang mga ito ay masusulyapan o mahahawakan mo.

" Mga lihim ng nilhim kong pag-ibig at litrato ng kahapong maligalig. Dahan-dahan kong inipon. Ngunit ngayon, kailangan ng itapon."

Dati, pati petals ng bulaklak na pinitas lang mula sa kung saan at binigay sa akin bilang biro ay itinatabi ko pa sa isang espesyal na lalagyan. Mga readings na hindi ko naman binasa kahit kailan. Mga lumang notebooks. Mga naninilaw na sulat. Mga nanlalabong litrato.

May mga resibo ng kung ano-ano. Niluhaang panyo. Isinulat na tula. May mga lalagyan ng yosi. May mga flaps mula sa bote ng beer. Iba’t-ibang bagay na noon ay punong-puno ng kahulugan, pero ngayon iniisip ko, ano na nga ba ang halaga nila sa akin?

Wala.

Wala na silang ibig sabihin kundi kalat. Basura. At ang kalat at basura ay hindi na dapat itinatabi pa. Sumisikip lang ang aparador ko dahil sa kanila. Kinakain pa ng mga ito ang espasyo para sa mga bagong bagay na maaaring mas may gamit sa kasalukuyan kong kalagayan at sa hinaharap.

Ang itinira ko lang ay ang mga lumang diaries ko. Mayroon akong mahigit sa lima. Punong-puno ang mga ito—"cover to cover" ang nasulatan. Pero may mga ilang mga pahina na hindi ko na kayang basahin muli. Matindi-tinding kilabot (at minsan, pandidiri!) ang hatid ng mga lumang kwentong naka-saad sa mga iyon. 

Minsan siguro talaga, darating ka na lang sa punto na ayaw mo na lang maalala. Kung ang kalayaan mula sa hapdi ng kahapon ay nangangahulugan din ng pamamaalam sa masayang nakaraan–hindi bale na. Kaya ko na at handa na ako.

Hala! Tapon dito, tapon doon!

Panahon na para tigilan ang walang kaabog-abog na pagbunghalit ng iyak tuwing malalasing. O kapag nag-iisa.

" ‘Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon. Kaya mula ngayon…mula ngayon… "