Mga Bagong Leksyon sa Buhay
Ang mga sumusunod ay dala ng matagal na pagmumuni-muni:
1. A candidate for the position of student council President in our school held a piece of bond paper up for all the students to see. Curious, we all craned our necks, trying to get a better view. There was some black thing on the center of the page. “Tuldok!” “Bilog na itim!” “Dot!” several attendees of the meeting de avance shouted in reply.
He paused and smiled with amusement. He went on to point out that often, people tend to see only what’s imperfect, a small stain on an otherwise immaculately white piece of paper.
Even though the parallelism was quite vague, what he pointed out got me thinking. I remembered a quote that goes, “When you do something right, nobody ever remembers. When you do something wrong, nobody ever forgets.” Sa dinami-dami ng bagay na ginawang tama, mas madaling maalala yung mga bagay na nakasakit sa atin. Kahit ‘di pa man sinasadya, “Ah basta! Sinaktan mo ko!” Ayun na. Tapos ang usapan.
It takes years to build trust, and only a single wrong action, a message incorrectly worded, fit of anger, to ruin it all in one sweep. We can do a hundred good things for the people we love, but one bad move can cause even what we thought were the most stable of relationships to just fall apart. This goes both ways, by the way.
And then we are hardened by the experience—no matter who or what caused it. And then we become cynical and bitter and scared about relationships. The unpleasant experience of pain makes us defensive. The desire to try again is eclipsed by the greater fear of being hurt once more.
May naiisip pa nga akong analogy eh. Tipong, isang bata na naghahanap ng pinakamatibay na punongkahoy para maging katuwang nya sa lahat ng bagay. Para malaman kung gaano katibay ang puno, kung ano-anong pagsubok ang ginagawa nya dito. Pag bumagsak sa huli, agad na nyang iisipin sa sarili, “Hindi ka naman pala matibay eh!” Tapos, lilipat na sya sa panibagong puno. Idaraan muli ito sa iba’t ibang pagsubok. May minsanang naging matatag at muntikan ng nagtagumpay at nalampasan na ang halos lahat. Pero pagdating sa dulo, hindi na nakayanan ang mga pagsubok ng bata at bumigay din. Hindi na iniisip ang mga panahong kalilipas pa lamang, hindi na maaalala ng bata na ang puno na ito ay nakasama na rin nya ng matagal at nakapasa sa halos lahat ng pagsubok na ginawa nya. Ngunit walang saysay ang lahat ng ito sa bata. Ang tanging alam lang nya ay bumigay ang puno. “Hindi ka naman pala matibay eh!,” muli nyang sinabi sa punong ito. “Mahina ka rin at katulad ka lang nila,” kahit sa totoo naman ay iba talaga sya. Nakalimutan na ng bata ang lahat ng pinag-daanan kasama ang punong ito, kaya sa kalaunan ay iniwan na nya ito at lumipat sa iba. Patuloy na nakakaramdam ng pagka-bigo dahil wala syang mahanap na matibay na puno.
I think everyone is guilty of the same offense: focusing only in the bad in things, in situations, in people. It is human tendency, I guess. Regardless of intentions or motives, everyone does it to everyone else. It is a fair game.
Thus, forgiveness is key. And so is acceptance of others’ and our own frailties, too. It is a fair game.
2. A fallout in a relationship does not necessarily mean that what you had was weak, that it was built on a lie, on pretenses, or on false hopes. It doesn’t mean that the caring wasn’t real…
3. Healing takes time. It may take days, weeks, months, or for some, even years. It cannot be rushed or coerced or forced into happening. It just does. And, so long as it is the right time, it happens even without need for much effort.
4. I realize that I’m done with arguing. I used to love debates. Confidence, coherence of thoughts, eloquence, and a loud-enough voice are the usual ingredients that make a good debater. But almost soon after high school, I realized the futility of arguing over both significant and insignificant things. Oh, and there are two topics I never argue about: 1) Love and 2) Religion.
You couldn’t change my mind and I know I couldn’t change yours, so what’s the point?
5. Every Saturday nights, I attend the Singles Ministry, an activity organized by our church, CCF, that tackles different concerns that most yuppies face.
Two Saturdays were devoted to discussions on Relationships. The Pastor had some really interesting points. From bad listening habits (and I realize now that I am guilty of almost all of them!), to factors that often cause rifts in relationships… he opened my eyes to so many things I didn’t really give much thought to before.
Through his talk, I realize that most of us struggle with talking too fast, of hurriedly passing judgment, of instantly assuming we are reading situations and people correctly, and that how we see and call it is how it really is. Relationship strains often stem from assumptions that we know those very close to us, when in reality, there’s no knowing someone completely, absolutely. And then we feel bad when those we love react differently from how we expect them to, because then we are proven wrong about our long-held beliefs about them. These expectations do not mean we’re bad people, but conversely, it doesn’t mean those who caused us disappointment are bad, either.
I had a best friend in first year high school. We don’t call each other best friends anymore, pero barkada ko pa rin sya hanggang ngayon. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me bringing up this little story, though I’d rather not write her name here. Itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang “T,” Ate Charo. J
T and I were inseparable. We were so close we even shared one diary na sinusulatan pa namin ng kung ano-anong updates about each other’s day kahit magkasama din naman kami araw-araw! I loved her a lot, but it was difficult being with her, too. She was just jealous of everyone! When we’re in a group, ayaw nya ng mas may kakausapin ako kesa sa kanya. I remember this one time (and I always tease her about this ‘til now!), there was a new guy in the group na chinichika ko kasi nga new student sya and I wanted him to feel comfortable. He was a really funny guy and we were just laughing about something when all of a sudden, T just stood up and shouted, “Sige, solohin mo na si Cheryl!” Needless to say, I was surprised. I wasn’t even aware she was boiling up inside.
That event quickly developed negatively. We didn’t talk for how many months. We were able to patch things up eventually and, as I said a while ago, we still belong to the same close-knit barkada up to now. But it changed my view about relationships. After T, it took well over 6 years before I called another soul a “best friend” again.
It is far from easy, being in such a tight bond with someone. It has countless, incomparable perks but it is indeed a real challenge. Somehow, you both feel this indescribable “obligation” of constantly proving to each other that, hey, you are the most important person (or, at least, friend) in the world to me. This pressure causes immense strain, and it takes a lot for a relationship to be able to endure such force without tearing or breaking in the long run.
6. Where did we get the idea that if we don’t forgive people, they suffer? Sabi yan ni Andrew Matthews, ang isa sa kaunting self-help authors na pinaniniwalaan ko.
7. Even the most hurtful of experiences comes with great lessons to be learned. Perhaps acceptance and respect for another’s decision is crucial in getting over a difficult phase. And as I undergo painful changes, I draw not only from our own strength but from my God who I trust would never put me in situations I wasn’t built strong enough to withstand.
Lord, I do not always understand you, but I will obey you. And I trust that the reason why all this had to happen would be revealed to me in time.
8. Our lifetimes are way too short to be spent on hatred.
