My Turf

Last Monday, our team went to Malacañang for the PGMA interview. Since GMA was scheduled to leave for Japan the next day, my bosses wanted an interview with her to air on our Pinoy TV channel in time for her visit.

Despite her small frame, the lady really did exude quite a commanding presence. She’s very articulate too (although mejo nakakatawa lang na kamukang-kamuka at kaboses na kaboses nya talaga ang impersonator nyang si Ate Glow!)

Wala akong ibang role sa interview na yun kundi tumabi sa camera ni Wendell at maghawak ng idiot board, but several minutes prior, kinakabahan pati ako! Hahaha. Maybe there’s just something overwhelming about being in the presence of someone who possesses such immense power. Too bad I wasn’t able to have my picture taken with her (she left in a hurry right after the 20-minute interview). Nonetheless, I was content with the simple experience of actually getting inside the Malacañang Palace and meeting the President of the Philippines. Plus, it’s fun knowing that I am slightly taller than her. When we went back to the office, Sherwin and Wendel would descibe how short she is by saying "Mas maliit pa sa kanya!" sabay turo sa akin. Our incredulous officemates would then react, "Hindi nga?!" Ano ako, yardstick ng kapandakan?! Hehehe.

Interesting din kung gaano pala ka-strikto sa loob ng palasyo. Pati mga lighting crew at cameramen, bawal pumasok pag di sumusunod sa dress code. Pucha, yung isang crew namin, nakipagpalit pa ng pantalon at sapatos sa driver! Tapos, 30 minutes before the interview, pinapalabas ang lahat ng tao habang nagre-rehearse ng isasagot sa mga interview questions ang presidente with her staff. Ganon pala yun, ‘no?

Bawal din mag-take ng pictures sa mga lugar na hindi naka-indicate sa permit niyo. Bad trip nga eh, minsan ka lang makapunta ng Malacañang, di pa makapagpa-picture! Nung naka-lingat ang mga guards, nag-laro na lang kami nila Wendell at ng boss naming si Sherwin at nagmaka-posero sa loob ny palasyo.

My bosses with the President

  Idiot Girl: Taga-hawak ng idiot boards

   Posers!!!

Nung summer ng 1999, pumunta ako sa Caliraya kasama ng mga orgmates ko. It was a simple overnight trip. Magulo. Makulit. Masaya. Tamang bonding. Nung kinaumagahan, nagkayayaan mag-hike papunta sa kabilang bahagi ng lake. Para kaming mga langgam na sunod-sunod na naglakad sa maputik na daan. Nag-stay sandali sa bagong tambayan, hanggang sa nainip na ulit at nag-desisyong bumalik sa bahay.

Merong dalawang bagay na pinaka-ayaw ko sa sarili ko: 1) Tamad ako; at 2) Mayabang ako. Sabay kong pinairal ang katamaran at kayabangan ng araw na yun. While the others simply trekked back to the rest house, naisip kong nakakatamad lumakad ulit at mas maiksi ang tatahakin ko kung lalangoy na lang ako. Tinantya ko ang distansya. Hmmm. Feeling ko kaparehas lang ng length na nilangoy ko the day before. “Kaya ko ‘to!” sabi ko sa sarili ko. Bukod don, may ilang orgmates din akong lalangoy kasabay ko, so may maaasahan naman akong tulong kung ano’t ano man. Ano ba ang stroke na pinaka-hindi nakakapagod? Ah! Backfloat na lang—mabagal, mukhang ewan, pero umuusad naman. Hala, bahala na! At nagsimula na nga ang languyan.

Napakadami kong factors na hindi kinonsider in that idiotic decision at na-realize ko na lang ito nung langoy ako ng langoy at parang wala akong nararating. Number one, since I was paddling while lying on my back, I couldn’t see where I was going. My orgmate, Grace, was nearest me, and she was navigating and all, pero dahil di ko nga nakikita, paikot-ikot lang yata ako sa katubigan. Pangalawa, fact is we are not as buoyant in fresh water. Nung lumaon, nagtataka na ako dahil hindi ko na maiangat ang leeg ko, which was something that had never happened to me before. Hindi ko maintindihan kung baket ako lumulubog. All at once, the reality of my exhaustion kicked in. I started to panic (akala mo ganon kadaling i-apply sa totoong near-death situation ang “Don’t panic”? HINDI!). Nung hindi ko na makaya ang sakit ng leeg ko, nag-decide ako to do a slight flip, shifted to upright position, at nag-tread na lang. Nakalangoy pa ko patungo kay Grace. Sabi ko sa kanya, “Grace, hindi ko na kaya!” Kinapitan naman nya ako, pero sinabi nya agad, “Che, hindi ako marunong mag-lifesave!” Luminga-linga ako sa paligid ko. Walang malapit na lupa sa spot kung saan nagpupumilit kami to stay afloat. At that very moment, naisip kong, “Putangina, mamamatay na ko. Ngayon na ngayon na!” And in those spinning, whirling, dread-filled thoughts, kahalo pa ang crushing guilt na mamamatay din si Grace dahil sa akin kasi alam kong ‘di naman nya ko bibitiwan don.

Then, from out of nowhere, heto na ang isa pang orgmate naming si Angelico to the rescue! Ni hindi ko alam kung paano nangyaring nakita nya kami at nakalangoy sya sa amin ng ganon kabilis, pero basta ang sumunod ko nang naaalala eh ubo ako ng ubo ng ubo habang dinadala nya ako sa shore (shore din ba ang tawag pag lake? Hehehe). Puspos ako ng pasasalamat kay Angge. Tapos pati kay Wenna na din, kasi from afar, siya pala ang nakakita sa aming pagkalunod ni Grace, at nagsabi kay Angge na iligtas kami.

Pagkabalik sa rest house, deadma na lang. Siguro dala ng sobrang relief, ni hindi ko na nakuhang ikwento sa mga taong nauna don kung ano ang nangyari. I enjoyed the rest of the stay, pero in my many tulala moments nung nasa van na kami pabalik ng Maynila, naisip kong ibang-iba ang ending ng outing na yun kung namatay kami sa lake ng Caliraya that day.

Baket ko nga ba naalala ang kwentong ito? Kasi ilang linggo na akong depressed. At depressed ako kasi isang rekwa ang palpak sa buhay ko ngayon dahil tamad ako at dahil mayabang ako. At tsaka tanga na rin.

Overconfidence mixed with laziness is a foolproof path to mishap, as evidenced by that drowning experience. Weeh, kaya ko naman! Eh nakakatamad maglakad! Eh kasi may mga kasabay naman akong lumangoy, tiyak aalalayan nila ako! Pero minsan, posible rin naman na we are just overestimating our own capacity, our own resilience, our own strength.

And perhaps, sometimes, we put too much trust in other people. But even friends and loved ones could only provide so much assistance. Not because they do not care enough, but because, while they are trying their best to help, they also have their own lives to think of.  And I am saying this without any bitterness, because I totally understand na sa panahon ng gipitan, kahit sino naman eh uunahing iligtas ang sarili niya o ang mga tao/ bagay na pinakamahalaga sa kanya. Kaibigan kita, pero kasi pamilya ko ‘to. Pag sinubukan kong iligtas ka, mamamatay tayong dalawa. Pag sinabi ko sa iyong, “I don’t have time,” ang totoong ibig sabihin nun ay “You’re not my priority,” at dapat maintindihan mo yun. In short, may hangganan ang tulong na kayang ibigay ng iba. Ang umasang mas dapat tayong pahalagahan kesa sa sarili nila is in itself selfish.

Hagulgol to the maximum level ako the other night. Kababalik ko pa lang from a great vacation in Boracay with my closest friends. Akala ko pambawi na ito sa uber-sakit na dinulot sa akin ng mga nakaraang linggo, pero parang ayaw talaga akong bigyan ng rest ng tadhana. I thought pagbalik ko from that refreshing trip, plantsado na lahat, pero di pa rin pala. Turned out Sunday night was the culmination ng lahat ng bwiset, because on top of all the other worries I’d been struggling with the past few weeks, nalaman ko pang na-kickout ako don sa isang major gig na matagal nang naka-set kasi daw nag-meeting sila habang nasa Bora ako at tila nagka-epiphany ang kliyenteng ito all of a sudden na hindi pala nila afford to keep me as writer.

‘Trages na yan! In an instant, dami kong problema lalo bigla! Una, inaasahan ko ang kikitain ko sana sa racket na yun para pangbayad sa tuition fee ng kapatid kong si Sherwin (pucha, bad trip ang ganitong buwan kasi bayaran ng tuition. Aaaargh!), bayad sa isang damakmak na utang na ipinangako kong bayaran by June dahil nga “may parating akong pera,” at pang-capital sana sa aming pangarap na business ni Rey. But noooo… Parang gumuho ang mundo ko sa remorseless text na, “We had a meeting and it was decided we couldn’t afford your fee, kaya isang writer na lang daw…” ANAK NG…?!

I haven’t cried in a really long time as much as I did that Sunday night. Na-realize kong biglang lubog ako sa utang (na dapat bayad lahat kung hindi lang nagkaleche-leche ang project na yun). Tapos meron pa akong isang potentially hebigat na consequence of a stupid, impulsive decision na hindi ko pa rin nare-resolve. Para akong gagong ngawa ng ngawa sa sala habang madilim at may radyong tumutugtog ng hip-hop music sa background. For a few solid hours, seryosong napagmuni-munian ko na naman ang suicide. Ayos. Ganon katinding level of depression. 

Nung nagising ako the next day, I was slightly feverish. Hindi nga ako nakaboto. I didn’t leave the house the entire day. At, oh well, ano pa nga ba ang kasunod ng solitude kundi introspection? An honest analysis of the recent events magically helped me feel better. 

I guess ang natutunan ko sa lahat ng ‘to eh ang perang hindi mo hawak ay hindi sa’yo, kaya wag mo ‘tong aasahan hanggang wala sa kamay mo. Sunod, palagi tayong may choice. Hindi ka pwedeng manisi ng iba kasi, ultimately, desisyon mo naman yun. In my case, desisyon kong magsulat ng kahahabang scripts kahit walang kontrata. Kaya nung biglang napag-tripan ng kliyenteng tadyakan ako paalis sa project at wag akong bayaran, wala na akong magawa. Bad trip talaga sila, oo, pero kasi, tanga din ako. Sino ba ang nagsabing wag kong proteksyonan ang sarili ko? Applying this to my other huge worry, na-realize ko din na may mga lalaking gago, oo. Marami sila, actually. Pero sino ba ang nagsabing magpa-uto ako? Ako naman lahat yun eh. Eh kasi nga tinamad na akong maniguro, tinamad mag-double check. Saka kasi ang yabang ko, hirit ako ng hirit na “Okay na yan!” at “Kaya ko yan!” Sabay hindi pala.   

Lahat ng mga naging desisyon ko these past few weeks eh wala akong masisising iba. Siguro nga masyado akong nagtiwala, “Eh kasi sabi mo…”at  “Eh kasi akala ko…” But the blame would—and should—still fall on me. So now, the new mantra is to be wiser, be more careful in my dealings with others, always keep the guard up, don’t trust too much too soon, no contract-no output, no commitment-no…

After all these realizations, I felt empowered. I HAVE A CHOICE, AND I AM NOT HELPLESS. Tama na ang pagpapa-victim. Tawag agad ako sa kabarkada kong kapapasa lang ng Bar (Naks! Congrats, Atty. Grasya!) at nagtanong kung anong possible legal actions ang pwede kong recourse dahil sa pagnanakaw ng aking scripts. Ginawan nya ako ng ubod ng gandang demand letter na pinadala ko agad sa napakabait kong ex-client.

Pagtapos nun, may-I-compose naman ako ng madramang huling sagot sa text ng lalaking kupal na naga-attempt pang mambola at ang tigas ng mukhang mag-ayang lumabas matapos mag-hibernate ng 100 years: “Whatever. I’m never talking to you again.” Sabay bura ng lahat ng mga natitirang mensahe ng kakupalan at ng pangalan sa phone book. Pramis, di ko kabisado ang numero ng creature na yun. Ang mindset ko ngayon eh “You don’t exist,” at napatunayan ko nang kaya ko ‘tong panindigan.

Another very important lesson learned from all this is that aid, better opportunities and payback always come at the most perfect time. After the bungled project, a new, really great one just as instantly took its place (better too ‘cause it no longer requires me to go out of town). This Monday, we’re going to interview President Arroyo (I’m no fan, but heck, not too many get the chance to meet the President of the country, right?) Then I got nice group mates for my final MFI project and am now ultra-excited to shoot. And my birthday’s just around the corner… I would have missed all these kung natuloy yung project na yun. What I thought was a tragic event turned out to be a blessing, after all.

Just like in that Caliraya near-death incident, just like in the recent wretched events that came in a row… it is now clearer more than ever that help and second chances always do come. And albeit belatedly, I  also realized that the ostensible delay was deliberate after all—to humble me, to strengthen me, to make me realize how far I can go, and remind me of the limit of what I can reach.

Just when I’ve already accepted defeat and loss and possible death, respite arrived, much to my surprise, at such spectacular, precise moment. 

They say there is a marked difference between alone and lonely. You could be alone but not lonely, happy and content in your solitude. You could be in the company of a thousand people and still feel lonely.

However, there are days when alone and lonely coincide. And there are just certain types of loneliness that even the greatest friends or family couldn’t cure. You turn to a power bigger than you for healing, for rescue…but sometimes, you just couldn’t wait anymore.

When the sadness gets too intense, you just eventually reach a point that something, anything, someone, anyone who offers even the slightest chance for rest –if only for this fraction of time when you’re in desperate need to rid yourself of the pain–would do.

Then you spend time with someone you barely know, someone you have zero feelings for. And after having done something you knew from the start you shouldn’t have, you wake up to realizations of "this is the wrong place" and "this is the wrong time" and, worst of all, "this is the wrong person."

Then this horrid, unforgivable, irretractable mistake only serves to reinforce what you have been dreading all along. That, Yes, alone could be lonely, and even the last-ditch solutions you resort to in an effort to alleviate the loneliness only make you end up way lonelier than before.

Anger has been known for its power to drive people to do things they used to think were beyond them. I believe loneliness is just as potent–just as powerful, just as dangerous. It could even be more intoxicating and consuming than anger because it pushes people to hurt the very thing they have been trying to protect all their lives: the self. Anger moves you to cause pain to others but loneliness, on the other hand, impels you to hurt yourself. At its peak, unplanned confessions of yearning and love are blurted out, suicides are committed, hanging out with the bad crowd becomes acceptable, illegal substances are resorted to, insanity made room for…

Loneliness drives people to do the most unimaginable things. And the remorse that follows is just as unimaginable. Unbearable, too. The colossal regret would then make the already alone and lonely, lonelier still.

It is a vicious trap.

Now that’s really, really sad.

And May 1 is supreme recklessness and utter stupidity day.