On deaths and endings, uncontrollable tendencies, circles and cycles, dreams and hopeless pinings, timely rescues, and fresh starts…
Daddy’s Writer
Ever since I was young, I’ve always been my Dad’s "ghost writer." I wrote all his speeches (weddings, gatherings, anniversaries, funerals, reunions…you name it!), Special Messages in commemorative programmes…even prayers!
More than 4 years ago, my Dad had a stroke. I thought he was just resting in his room. When it was already past lunch and he hasn’t gotten up, we started to panic (my Dad never oversleeps!). When I got into the room, he was lying limp in my sister’s arms. He was unconscious as we dressed him. The maid, me and my sister carried him into the car. I couldn’t explain to you what a painful experience that was even if I tried.
Next scene. ICU. Neurologist explaining. Aneurysm. Blood clot in the brain. Could be dead in two days. Or paralyzed for life. Inconsolable mother and sister. To me, everything was a blur. I wasn’t even crying.
The day after, I sat down to write a speech. But it wasn’t a speech for my father to deliver. It was a eulogy.
I listed down all the greatest things I could remember about him. His humor, his intelligence, his determination, his gung-ho nature. I wrote about what a loving father and an excellent provider he was. I wrote about all the words I never had the courage to tell him in the past. Makes you wonder why we only stop and recall all the good about people only when they are dead–or dying.
Good thing I didn’t have to read that eulogy. For my father was miraculously back to his makulit self (walking straight, driving, laughing that hearty laugh of his, conversing well) in about a month.
You know what’s weird? In eulogies, there is always the portion where we say, "Hey, I wish you could hear me…" But my Dad is alive and well. He could hear and see and feel when I tell him, "Daddy, I remember. Thank you. I love you."
Did I ever? No.
Have I written another thank-you letter after that? I haven’t.
Why oh why do we wait and postpone and delay?
Grandparent-less
The interval between the deaths of both my grandmothers came within less than a month of each other’s. Inang, Mommy’s mother, died first. She’s been sick for a really long time. The week before she passed away, we visited her. When I touched her hand, felt her leathery skin, and saw the bed sores, the first thought that came to mind was, "Naku, mukhang malapit na…" True enough…
Nanay, Daddy’s mother, died almost soon after. She was diagnosed with cancer (and diabetes and lots of other age-related diseases that I could no longer remember). We thought we had at least one year left to be with her. But death just came one morning and took her…
Growing up, I looked to both women as figures of authority. Not only because they were older, but because they both exuded such strength in character. However, as years passed and children turned into adults, and parents became grand parents and great-grand parents, Inang and Nanay sort of gradually faded into the background. They got sicker and frailer day by day. I found that very sad, really.
It seemed to me like a display of strength and helplessness going full circle.
SOS
The past month or so, I took on more extra projects than I could handle. But if there’s one good lesson Iearned from trying to do it all and be all is that the best solution to life’s curve balls is to admit to yourself that, well, you can no longer do it all and be all. Then simply ask for help. The possibility of rejection lurks in every corner, but just as present are friends and strangers who are willing to save your ass. Forget intentions, forget suspicions. Not everyone is out to get you or abuse you.
Admitting that you’re at your rope’s end and accepting assistance from others is no sign of weakness. If anything, it is actually a reaffirmation of the fact that we are still so much bigger than the things we cannot do.
What really matters is the trust and friendship you get to keep in the end (which you both dangerously stand to lose whenever you stubbornly insist that you can pull it off long after it is already obvious that you can’t).
Pregnancy
Due to countless concerns, professional or otherwise, I was not able to report for work for 5 straight days. I was also absent for almost an entire week in the previous cutoff. I’ve exhausted all my leaves. Plus, I’ve been binge-eating and over-drinking while maintaning a sedentary lifestyle (my mind is overworked, but this fat body sure is not). Thus, the extra inches here, there, and everywhere.
When I came back, I was surprised to be greeted by, "Baket ang tagal mong nawala?!" by plenty of people from different departments whose work areas are situated not very near mine. (I refuse to remember the number of times I was asked, "Baket ka tumataba?!")
Turns out that the chismosos and chismosas in the office have been wondering in hushed circles if I’m pregnant (duh?!) and have been surmising that that’s perhaps the reason behind my prolonged absence and the oh-too-obvious weight gain.
The day after, I hurriedly enrolled in a gym and has been working out religiously everyday since then.
Writing for the government
AYOKO NANG MAGING KLIYENTE ANG KAHIT ANONG AHENSYA NG GOBYERNO. AAAARGGGH!
Giving and Taking
No matter how much you care for some people, they just do not care back. Period.
Are they to blame? Of course not. But does that knowledge make it hurt less?
Imagine having an abundance of something and yearning to share it with someone, then the person you offer it to merely shrugs his shoulder and says. “No thanks.” Or, in a pathetic effort to not hurt you, he’d lie and say, “Not now.”
WOW. Ouch, di ba?
Chorva at Chenes
Dalawang pangunahing tauhan sa munting istoryang ito.
Ang bidang babae ay si Chenes. At ang leading man (na dumodoble bilang Kontrabida) ay si Chorva.
Si Chenes ay isang dakilang gaga. Mantakin mong nagpalit pa ng sim card dahil sinabi ng Chorva na ang dahilan kaya’t hindi siya nagte-text ay dahil naka-"Unli" sya sa Globe at Smart naman ang linya ni Chenes. Tila nabulagan sa ka-jologang pinapakita ni Chorva, walang pagda-dalawang-isip na lumipat sa Globe si Chenes. May pagbabago ba kay Chorva? Wala.
Eh kung hindi ba naman talagang tanga ‘tong si Chenes. Yung hindi pa lang sya hinatid ni Chorva sa bahay pagkatapos ang kanilang "date" (na humantong sa kung saan-saan at kung ano-ano) dahil nagtitipid daw ito sa gas at malayo pa ang uuwian–dapat naisip na niyang ang taong iyon ay hindi tao, at kumaripas na ng takbo papalayo. Ginawa ba ito ni Chenes? Syempre hindi.
Sa isang phone conversation, sinira ni Chorva ang kilig moment sa biglaan nitong pagsabi ng, "Ipapa-date ko sa’yo yung kaibigan ko!" Talagang gago. Ang kapal ng mukha. Natural, nagalit ang Chenes. "Anong pinagke-kwento mo don?! Paano nya ko nakilala?!" Sagot ng tangang si Chorva, "Pinakita kita sa Friendster! Sabi ko PM kita." Galit na galit si Chenes! "HINDI KITA FRIENDSTER! BINURA NA KITA!" (Sabay naalalang ang setting nga pala ng profile nya ay "can be viewed by anyone on Friendster").
Sa text, sorry ng sorry si Chorva. Wala daw syang masamang intensyon. "Gusto lang kitang maging happy." Tsk. Talagang gago. Akala mo ba magiging masaya ako if I date your friend? Hanggang ngayon ganyan pa rin ang tingin mo sa akin, na I’ll be fine with anyone? Akala mo ba hindi ko nakukuha na yun ang paraan mo ng pag-emphasize na ayaw mo sa akin at tigilan na kita?
Sabay padala ng text si Chenes, "I get it, okay? Hindi mo na ako kelangan ipa-date sa kaibigan mo para maging malinaw yun." Feeling naman ‘tong si Chorva. Feeling kinukulit. Feeling hinahabol. Hindi nga ba?
Sapilitang hinubad ni Chenes ang suot na helmet. Inalis ang tapalodo. Tama na ang kagagahang ito.
Hanap ng iba. Yung mas okey kay Chorva. Yung hindi nanghihinayang sa gas. At tsaka laging may load.
