Absentee Ate
There are times when freelance writing projects and my responsibilities in the company where I am officially employed inevitably overlap. Every so often, it would take over a month before I am able to come home and see my brother, Sherwin, and my folks who live in Bulacan. And this is despite the fact that the days when the horrendous traffic in NLEX is already a thing of the past.
Before I knew it, Sherwin is now about to turn 16, is still in second year high school, and is struggling more than ever with his lessons. I call him a lot to check on how he is doing (salamat po sa Sun Cellular, communication has become cheaper!), ask about how his week went, but I guess not even the long phone conversations could make up for the physical absence. This failure to constantly be with him and monitor his studies is something I always feel tremendously guilty about.
New Year Bonding
I have one glaring phobia, and that is of firecrackers. Those things scare the hell out of me for reasons I was never really able to identify. I especially hated last year, with the invention of the “Boga,” those canyon-like torture contraptions made of PVC pipes and denatured alcohol. The 2006 Media Noche was held at my uncle’s house, which was about 15 minutes away by trike from our house. Though armed with earphones and blaring music, I couldn’t muster the guts to just get out there and endure the firecracker-frenzy everywhere. So I stayed at home. Sherwin didn’t go either. The two of us were left, and we just had this amusing talk about lots of things.
Whenever I am home, I try to make it a point to reconnect with my brother. And Sherwin has always been open about the goings-on in his life, especially with stuff that he wouldn’t really tell our parents. That night, we talked about music videos, UFC, NBA and wrestling (most of which I am no longer as updated with as I used to be). He told me about the petty school brawls he got involved in, his crushes, his teachers… It was your classic Ate-Bunso kind of bonding.
The next day, January 1, Sherwin wanted to go out and play some Internet games with his friend. My mom wouldn’t allow him. She had long been complaining about Sherwin being so hardheaded and stubborn. Fresh from our bonding session the night before, I was feeling extra nice and told Sherwin I’d let him go but he should be back home after an hour.
Of course, being the teenager that he is, he took well over two hours. And being the volatile, hot-tempered, short-fused person that I am, I immediately got furious! When he returned, I yelled at him, packed his most treasured possession—his PlayStation–in my bag and told him he couldn’t get it back unless he changed.
I wanted to teach him about the value of trust, of keeping promises, and of having to put up with the repercussions of breaking them. I was aiming for double-hit actually, because taking away his toy also meant giving him less distraction and more reasons to focus on his studies. However, on my way back to Manila, I was suddenly struck with guilt.
I instantly understood then why parents who are rarely home tended to shower their kids with material gifts. It is hoped that the presents would somehow make up for the absence. Honestly, I felt bad—no, awful–about taking away the PlayStation. Feeling ko ako ay yung kontrabidang kapatid na hindi magpapakita ng sobrang tagal, tapos tuwing dumadating sa bahay ay mamandohan lahat ng tao. I hated that. And having been a not-so-nice teenager myself, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sherwin momentarily despised me for it.
No longer able to bear my guilt, tinawagan ko na lang sya and explained why I had to do what I did, made sure he understood. He seemed fine with it, pero kasi ang nakakatakot don, minsan sasabihin nyang okay pero hindi pala. I know because I’m like that most of the time too. I’d say “It’s okay,” when deep inside, I feel far from okay.
Take as much as I can, tapos bigla na lang akong aabot sa breaking point and I’ll just, well, snap. All of a sudden, ayaw ko na lang. That’s an aspect of my personality I am not really happy about. I regard myself as resilient when it comes to a lot of things, but when that patience reaches its end, para akong computer na bigla na lang nagsha-shut down.
So it is quite scary to imagine what’s gonna happen when this boy reaches his breaking point and he just snaps. A scary, scary phase, this adolescence thing.
Understanding Sherwin
Whenever Sherwin misbehaves, my parents would ask me to scold/talk to him. “Sa iyo lang naman nakikinig ‘yan eh!” However, there are instances when, despite the misdemeanor, I just couldn’t bring myself to get mad at him.
I totally understand the rebellious feelings because I struggled with those myself when I was his age. I don’t know what the psychology behind this is, but there just seems to be a point in a teenager’s life wherein you are just so easily irked by the slightest mistake or observation or off comment made by your parents. Feeling ko, meron lang talagang dumadating na phase sa buhay ng isang confused teenager na, ah basta, galit ka lang sa magulang mo. Oooh, was I one hard-headed, opinionated, bitchy, angry bastard as an adolosecent. And generally, I think most of us just go through a stage where our friends’ opinions bear more weight than our parents’. Nagkakaroon ng panahon sa mga buhay natin na mas masarap kasama ang mga kabarkada kesa sa pamilya.
When I was still in school, staying at home all day is bound to either bore me to tears or bring about depressing thoughts (i.e. questions of “Baket walang nag-aaya sa akin?” etc.). Back then, nothing could feel lonelier than staring at a phone that doesn’t ring or seeing an inbox with no new message. Now that I’ve gotten older, I often get together with friends who are of the same age, and during such get-togethers we couldn’t help but be amused at how much our priorities have changed over the last decade. Whereas before, kayang-kaya naming mag-telebabad for over two hours everyday, ngayon speaking with someone on the phone for about five minutes seems such a long, boring conversation na. You’d rather just meet up and talk over coffee kesa mag-telepono. I guess we just got too busy with other more urgent concerns. Ngayon sa gimikan, 12 AM pa lang, inaantok na kaming lahat at nagkaka-ayaan nang umuwi. Samantalang dati, our parties could last well into the morning. At noon, medyo masama pa sa loob mong umalis, kaya lang natatakot ka na ring mapagalitan ng magulang mo. Sabagay, ano ba naman kasi ang concerns natin nung high school and college? We didn’t worry about rent then. We didn’t worry about what we could do to earn more to provide for our needs and small luxuries. We didn’t spend for our own clothes and shoes and accessories, our books, TV cable, our newspaper and magazine subscriptions. We didn’t worry about our laundry or doing our own dishes (I rarely ever cook at my apartment now ‘cause that would mean me cleaning up the mess after and eating the same ulam for the rest of the week).
Simply put, watching Sherwin now, I couldn’t get myself to scold him because I honestly, totally understand the kid. I could not get angry over his stealing money from my Mom’s purse because I used to do that too–only then, I’d use the stolen money to buy Sweet Valley books, Sherwin spends it to play Ragnarok (but I think the pangungupit and cutting classes had already stopped now). I, too, answered back. A lot. I stayed out late with friends. Ilang beses din akong nasabunutan ng nanay ko dahil sa kakauwi ng gabi. I slammed doors when mad (syempre hindi ito umuubra and I got some well-deserved beating too because of this), but I’d still do it, nonetheless. The only difference between him and me is that I never had trouble with my studies. Well, okay, I did a little…but that was only due to the fact that I was consciously neglecting my lessons and focusing more of my time and energy on my extra-curricular activities. Sherwin’s case, as most of my friends are aware of, is different.
The stage of adolescence sure is tough. It is a stage wherein you don’t know what image to project. You long for respect, to be looked up to and admired, to stand out…at the same time, you also have this burning need for acceptance, to conform, and fit in.
Mukhang Guilty
My parents and sister agree that Sherwin is no late-bloomer, tamad lang daw talaga mag-aral yung bata. I have a different opinion, though. My take on it is, with lessons you find particularly hard to understand and there’s no one helping you out, mas lalo syang nakakatamad pag-aralan. “Hindi ko naman maintindihan kahit anong gawin ko eh, baket pa ako magpapakahirap?” Besides, when my sister and I were Sherwin’s age, we had maids. We never had to wash our own clothes or help in cleaning the house or walk the dogs or run other errands. Before, my Dad would always say whenever I got low grades, “Wala ka na ngang ibang trabaho kung hindi mag-aral!” And that was true. My sister and I, we had absolutely no excuse to flunk in class. Sherwin, on the other hand, is now responsible for so many household chores because we couldn’t afford a maid anymore and my parents, having aged a lot, are by far physically weaker now than they used to be when I was still in school.
Last time we spoke on the phone, Sherwin mentioned that he got failing marks in several subjects again. I told him “Sabihin mo kay Mommy ikuha ka ng tutor.” Sherwin answered that he didn’t want a tutor and preferred that I teach him. “Buti pa nga nung tinuturuan mo ako, nakakasagot ako.” (Awwww) But with my job and the extra projects I take to be able to augment my income, going home regularly has become even more difficult. Sigh…
But how do you explain this chicken-and-egg thing to a teenager who’s going through a very confusing period? Sherwin, I need to accept extra projects because if I don’t, how on earth would I able to afford to pay for your school bus, your tuition, your field trips, your projects, your allowance? But these projects eat up a lot of precious time I otherwise would have spent with you. And so you are able to go to school, all right…but there’s no way you could keep up with the lessons on your own. Hay! What to do, Checheboo…what to do…?
Just last week, I was seething. Over the phone, Sherwin told me that his teacher made him clean the restroom because he got the lowest grade in class. I was so goddamned angry I wanted right then and there to rush to his school and pull that idiotic, nincompoop, sunnovabitch’s hair! Sherwin practically begged for me to cool down and reasoned that I would only embarrass him more if I did that. He didn’t even want me to tell our parents. Worse, the kid actually thought he deserved such punishment! I told him over and over, “Sherwin, mali yun. Hindi dapat ganun…” When it all sank in, it was no longer clear to me who I was really mad at—the teacher with the wrong motivational strategy, or the absentee sister?
He’s told me several times that he couldn’t understand the Math lessons on exponents and quadrants, simplification and X-Y coordinates. He couldn’t remember the names and dates in AP. He couldn’t comprehend the stories in English. But all I could say each time he complained was, “Bring home your books everyday at basahin mo kahit one hour lang.” Huh. As if I didn’t know better. As if I didn’t know Math or AP or English couldn’t be understood by merely going through text books and lessons scrawled on notebooks. As if I didn’t know what it was like to need a tutor. As if…
And so now, I couldn’t help but feel that I am to blame. I’m at fault. For not teaching. For not being there. For not trying harder. For not giving more.
And so now, my brother, who I’ve always known to have some ‘learning problems’ is still getting the lowest grades in class and cleaning toilets as punishment.
And so now I feel guilty. Because I honestly do not know what else I could do to strike a balance between being able to provide and being present…
