My Turf

1. From Counting Crows’ Raining in Baltimore: “But what would you change if you could?”

Yeah, what would you change if you could?

2. They say if you want something badly enough, think about it often enough, visualize it strongly enough, work hard enough for it, that it is already yours. That a concentrated, unfaltering combination of passion, faith and effort would be able to bring that which you desire from the realm of possibilities to the realm of realities.

But what if two or more people are wishing for the exact same thing—wanting it with the same level of intensity, the same longing, the same yearning, exerting an equal amount of effort towards it–whose wish would be granted?

How are winners chosen and how should losers cope?

No one could fault you for being bitter and angry and just devastated if you don’t get what you’ve set your heart on for so long. More so if the prize goes to someone you think is far less deserving.

But then again, who decides who deserves what?

3. Who ever said our own our salvation lies in other people’s hands?

4. Eh baket ka naniwala agad? Tanga ka kasi eh. Atat ka masyado. Alam mo na ngang nanloloko lang eh…

Usapang pag-ibig. Nakakatuwang pruweba na may mga lalake pa rin palang hind nagpapadala sa kaba…

Masarap pala makipag-palitan ng kuro-kuro tungkol sa lablayp (existing or imagined, even over an unfeeling electronic medium such as Yahoo Messenger ) sa gitna ng tambak na deadlines.

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:55:21 PM): te che may tanong ako

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:58:14 PM): po?

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:58:19 PM): basta wag math

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:58:20 PM): haha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:58:21 PM): loko lang

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:58:40 PM): heheh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:58:46 PM): ano yun

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:58:56 PM): pag nagmahal ka ba, as in solid?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:03 PM): in general ba ganon ang girls?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:06 PM): o ikaw na lang

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:07 PM): heheh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:11 PM): di ko alam kung in general

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:16 PM): pero marami akong kilalang ganon

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:18 PM): ahh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:18 PM): at kasama ako don

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:19 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:20 PM): nice

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:21 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:39 PM): elaboreyt

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:40 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:40 PM): ang alam ko, maraming lalaking ganon din.

pero di nila pinapakita

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:44 PM): hmmm…

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 3:59:46 PM): ahhhh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:50 PM): define mo ano ang solid sayo

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 3:59:59 PM): most girls kasi tend to ba makulit pag in lab

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:02 PM): text ng text

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:05 PM): tawag ng tawag

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:07 PM): ganun

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:00:07 PM): ahhh…

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:10 PM): ako kasi ganun eh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:11 PM): haha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:18 PM): tapos, aawayin ang boypren pag di

nagreply agad

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:00:21 PM): pero yung view sa relationship ng girls

shempre iba iba noh?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:00:23 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:45 PM): kasi, feeling mo, he doesnt love you as

much as you love him. praning ka pag parang di ka nami-miss kasi hindi nangangamusta

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:47 PM): haha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:55 PM): eh di naman talaga mahilig sa ganun ang

guys, di ba?

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:00:56 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:09 PM): nakow

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:11 PM): at baket ka naman napatanong ha?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:11 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:26 PM): kasi te che pakiramdam ko sobrang

nalululong ako sa kanya eh

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:27 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:31 PM): AWWWW

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:34 PM): that’s SO SWEET

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:38 PM): wala ka bang clone

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:38 PM): classified to te che ha

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:38 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:01:41 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:51 PM): kuya na mas matanda sayo (malamang,

kuya nga eh!)

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:56 PM): na pwede mo ipa-date sa akin

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:01:57 PM): hahaha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:00 PM): haaay

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:04 PM): ang sweet naman nun

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:06 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:12 PM): heheheh sorry te che ha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:13 PM): eh ano namang masama dun sa

nararamdaman mo?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:14 PM): kung baduy

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:16 PM): hmmm

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:27 PM): ayoko lang mawala sya talaga te che

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:36 PM): baket naman sya mawawala?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:42 PM): wala lang

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:46 PM): hay

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:46 PM): well, wag ka lang masyadon seloso at

possessiv

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:47 PM): sorry te che

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:50 PM): possessive

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:02:55 PM): ayaw nyo ba yun?

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:02:56 PM): may mga taong ayaw ng kinukulit

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:03:00 PM): ahh hehehe

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:01 PM): ako, ganun ako

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:03:02 PM): oks lang

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:03 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:03:05 PM): la naman ako problema

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:03:09 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:09 PM): lalo pag sinabi ko na busy lang

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:14 PM): tapos mangungulit ka!

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:03:16 PM):

sana

maramdaman nya na mahal na mahal ko

sya noh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:17 PM): di kita papansinin lalo

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:18 PM): hahaha

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:03:22 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:27 PM): im sure she knows that

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:44 PM): and im sure being the creative person that

you are, naipaparamdam mo sa kanya ng husto yun

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:45 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:03:46 PM): hindi ko kasi mapakita yung nararamdaman

ko te che

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:03:56 PM): baket mo naman nasabi yan?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:04:01 PM): parang parating may gusto akong gawin na

something for her

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:04:03 PM): di natatapos

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:04:07 PM): awww

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:04:15 PM): nonstop eh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:04:24 PM): swerte naman ng babaeng yan!

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:04:25 PM): hahaha

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:04:29 PM): nyay

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:04:29 PM): hahah

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:04:31 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:04:35 PM): sweet naman sya sayo?

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:04:38 PM): or di sya ganun?

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:04:52 PM): sweetest

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:04:55 PM): awwww

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:04:56 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:04:59 PM): eh yun naman pala eh

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:05:03 PM): pero iba lang kasi siguro

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:09 PM): natatakot ka lang sa intensity ng

nararamdaman mo

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:05:14 PM): kasi baka iba tayo magpakahulugan ng sweet

eh

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:05:14 PM): heheh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:21 PM): maaaring di ka pa na-inlab dati ng ganyan

kagrabe

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:23 PM): huy

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:29 PM): intimacy eh hindi naman palaging sweet

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:05:36 PM): ALAM KO TE CHE

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:40 PM): minsan, may intimacy na just for the sake

getting it over with

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:05:40 PM): WALA AKONG SINABI AH

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:41 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:05:41 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:42 PM): hahaha

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:46 PM): defensive ba ko

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:05:50 PM): hahah!

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:51 PM): pero pagkatapos, di naman pleasant

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:05:52 PM): gulat nga ko eh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:54 PM): yun

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:05:55 PM): hahaha

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:05:58 PM):

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:06:07 PM): te che mahal ko talaga

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:06:09 PM): solid

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:06:11 PM): awwww

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:06:16 PM): that’s great!

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:06:17 PM): as in

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:06:30 PM): hindi lahat ng tao, nagkakaron ng

pagkakataong magmahal ng sobra

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:06:32 PM): hay

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:06:32 PM): AT

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:06:38 PM): maswerte ka dahil minamahal ka din

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:06:49 PM): the same person loves you just as much

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:06:50 PM): ang swerte ko nga tinanggap nya ako

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:06:58 PM): sobrang konti lang ng mga ganyang storya

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:07:09 PM): pero te che kahit anong mangyari, alam ko

mahal na mahal ko sya

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:07:20 PM): hindi ko nga dati iniisip kung tatanggapin nya

ako

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:07:38 PM): basta naipaparamdam ko kung gano sya

kahalaga sakin saka kung gano ako kasaya sa kanya

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:08:45 PM): haaaaayyyy

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:08:46 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:08:50 PM): good for you!

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:08:56 PM): salamat te che

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:08:59 PM): im so happy that you’re feeling that way

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:09:03 PM): at hindi ka ‘holdout’

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:09:08 PM): yung takot bumigay ng todo

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:09:16 PM): ahhh

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:09:16 PM): kasi takot na baka

mali

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:09:20 PM): nyay

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:09:23 PM): hindi te che

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:09:24 PM): o baka hindi ‘fair’

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:09:29 PM): ah hahaha

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:09:31 PM): de wla yun

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:09:37 PM): kung ano lang yung pagmamahal na

nakukuha, yun lang ang ibibigay

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:09:41 PM): maraming ganon noh

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:09:54 PM): alam mo kasi te che

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:10:13 PM): sa tingin ko, more than enough na sya para

mahalin ko at mahalin, parang hindi na kailangan pa na gumawa sya ng something

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:10:16 PM): parang ganon kasi..

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:10:32 PM): yung pagiging SIYA more than enough na

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:10:36 PM): hay

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:10:40 PM): naaasar ako sayo

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:10:43 PM): ang sweet mo msyado!

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:10:44 PM): more than enoug reason na mahalin

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:10:45 PM): hahaha

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:10:47 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:11:04 PM): isa kang mapalad na nilalang

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:11:06 PM): hehehe

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:11:08 PM):

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:11:15 PM): ipo-post ko sa blog ko tong chat natin ha

SIOPAO (5/15/2008 4:11:22 PM): NYAY!

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:11:25 PM): itatago na lang kita sa pangalang SIOPAO

Che Ingles (5/15/2008 4:11:26 PM): hahaha

"You do what you can, where you can, when you can. If you can’t do it, you can’t do it…"

- from Grey’s Anatomy (Dr. Miranda Bailey to Cristina Yang)

In line with my resolve to give help where I could, I asked my long-time friend Yas to take me to CRIBS. I have known way before about her regular visits to the place to give TLC to the abandoned babies there, but I never gave it much serious consideration until recently. I have been realizing more and more that there is happiness to be had in giving care and extending assistance wherever it’s needed. I remember how my job in an NGO about three years ago gave me such high–organizing workshops on capacity-building and training people–that I know that my heart really lies in community work. I am not a wealthy girl, and I know I could not be a philanthropist–not at this point, at least. But I believe there is something I could give and that there are people who urgently need so much that they would take what they could. It is all just a matter of perspective, I guess. One could choose to see the situation as helpless people merely (and begrudgingly) taking scrap from those sordidly handing them leftovers. OR we could look beyond the physical magnitude of what we give, and have faith that our every act has the power to inspire positive change.

I woke up at 8 AM (which is terribly early for a late-sleeper like me, especially on a weekend). I dutifully packed my white shirt and socks as Yas instructed. CRIBS allows visitors twice a day: 9-11 AM and 2-4 PM. Prior to our visit, she already oriented me on the house rules. There was no need to bring toys or gifts because CRIBS enjoys stable funding. The only help they need is giving TLC to the babies since their limited manpower cannot possibly provide this to ALL the babies housed there. However, while you as a visitor are allowed to play with the kids, carrying, cuddling and hugging them are highly discouraged. You would think hugs and kisses are basics when handling babies, but the kids in CRIBS are trained to not expect these things. How awfully sad is that?

When we got to CRIBS, we immediately changed into our white stuff and entered one of the rooms. There were 9 babies with only one caregiver. I immediately felt sorry for her, left to care for all those wailing, squirming babies on her own (and sheesh, I forgot to ask her name!). It was a pretty overwhelming experience. Once inside, the babies–old enough to walk or crawl–just sort of rush toward you-; excited to be carried, excited for a playmate. At their age, they are already very possessive. They easily get jealous of other babies, clamoring for your attention, wanting you all for themselves. Perhaps it is because they already understand that the caring they’d receive from you is for "a limited time only," that they try to get as much as they can. 

It was honestly both a sad and happy encounter for me. I was glad to have been able to play with them, but I couldn’t help feeling sorry for them either. I wonder if the constant coming and going of people is not bad for the kids. Hindi kaya nakakasama sa mga bata yung "now you see me, now you don’t" cycle? O baka kaya 2 hours lang ang oras na binibigay para makipaglaro sa mga bata kasi if you go past this threshold, maa-attach na sila sa’yo eh hindi mo naman sila pwedeng iuwi at alagaan habang buhay.

Still, I resolved to come back next weekend. And the weekend after that. And the weekend after that…

What could you buy with 100 pesos?

My birthday is (ahem!) fast approaching.

Normally, this is a period where the blues start to set in because I am reminded that a) I am getting old; b) I am getting old and I am still single; and c) I am getting old, I am still single, and I am not even wealthy enough to buy material things that could possibly substitute for the absence of a romantic partner. I ask myself why despite all my heart work and hard work, I remain unhappy, and how come a lot of people get what they don’t deserve.

This year is apparently unlike the previous ones, though. I have decided it’s high time I quit comparing myself to others. I don’t have what they have ’cause I’m not them. Period. I could sit around pitying myself and hating others, or I could dance to my own beat and invent my own formula for happiness. The choice is simple, if not downright obvious, really.

After a quick swim at the Marikina Sports Complex yesterday (masaya pala magmaka-sporty doon!), a great idea popped in my head out of the blue: I realized that instead of moping over my life’s misfortunes on my birthday like I usually do, I could organize a bunch of friends and distribute school supplies to kids in poor communities!

Excited over my idea, I hurriedly trooped to a bookstore and checked out the prices. According to the calculations that my limited mathematical ability allowed, 100 pesos would actually be enough to buy notebooks (some decent ones cost only 10.00 each, at hindi naman ito yung may picture ng artista sa cover!), pencils, ballpens, a pad paper and a box of crayons! That means if I am able to collect 100 pesos’ worth of supplies from 50 good-hearted friends– which, praise God, I believe I have a lot of–there would be 50 children who would be going to school standing taller–a little prouder, a little happier. It may not be much, but I guess there is no use measuring significance or judging intentions anyway. 

"WE ARE HEALED TO HELP OTHERS. WE ARE BLESSED TO BE A BLESSING."

My life has been far from easy, but it is not bereft of good things, either. I have been training myself to keep looking for things to be grateful about. I believe that if we are convinced we are living a full life, giving what we can—our time, our talent…whatever it is we feel we have an abundance of!—will no longer seem so difficult. During moments of desolation and discouragement, I simply remind myself that there had been countless times when I needed help and I got it. I just feel that it is now my turn to be on the ‘giving help’ end.

It just has to start somewhere. In my case, I am a positivist. And a self-confessed idealist. And a patriot. I want a better

Philippines

(corny as it may sound, this is the source of the ‘community development’ advocacy that I would like to pursue more deeply). I am aware that this is a very, very tall order, but I think the ‘help and inspire’ trend has an immense potential to take off and fly if more and more people start taking steps toward it. “Start” may mean different things to different people. Start by being nicer to others. Start by fixing your family or your relationships. Start by not being mean to waiters or receptionists or cab drivers. Start by giving TLC to one baby. Start by giving new school supplies to one kid. If we are to bring about better circumstances for our interconnected world and lives, we just have to start.

I am so sick of focusing on my own frailties and failures all the time. What have I been beating up myself for? My non-existent love life. The flabs in my tummy. The wrinkles on my forehead. Zits when I get my period. The bills in my wallet. The few zeroes in my bank account. A cellphone that has been silent all day. An empty email inbox. I’ve been spending way too much energy on such silly worries that I’ve been missing the bigger picture. It is indeed amusing how we rack our brains trying to think of ways to ward off loneliness, wondering why true joy remains elusive, when all around us, chances to make another being happy (and in the process, make us happy as well) abound.

I am no superwoman, but I have resources to contribute. Again: we give what we can, where we can, when we can. If we can’t do it, we can’t do it. But it wouldn’t hurt to try.

We never lose by giving too much (not by loving too much or caring too much, either). We only lose by holding out, wasting precious time waiting for perfect conditions that may never come.