My Turf

To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty in its lair. To never simplify what is complicated nor complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try to understand. To never look away. And never, never forget.

-          ARUNDHATI ROY

I have never been more exhausted. But I have never felt more alive.

When I accepted the UNFPA project, I knew I was getting the opportunity of a lifetime. And reality delivered exactly as, if not more than, the dream promised.

The final weeks of July and the first two weeks of August had been a dizzying mix of take-offs, landings, airport taxis, luggage conveyors, tape and mp3 recorders, boarding passes, small planes, cramped terminals, dingy provincial hotel rooms, Nissan Patrols and Toyota Hi-Lux pickups bearing blue plates, and rough roads so bumpy I could hardly sleep despite my exhaustion.

Still, it had been a truly meaningful one and a half months, filled with a lot of handshakes and smiles…questions I’ve always wanted to ask, places I’ve always longed to see, inspiration I’ve always yearned to find.

In San Miguel, Catanduanes, I saw the boulders that fell off the mountains after a landslide, and the bridge split into two by the raging waters during a typhoon. I saw the majestic handiwork of indigenous forefathers in Sagada. Good, late-night conversations by the sea in Virac proved to be very refreshing. We’ve long studied about this infrastructure that connects Samar to Leyte, but I never really thought I’d be able to really be on the San Juanico bridge—I was wide-eyed with amazement and gratitude the entire time we were crossing it. 

The best sites for me, though, feature the wide grins and unmistakable glint in the eyes of the people providing muscle to the program. Midwives and Barangay Health Workers, volunteers who list down the names of every pregnant woman and every child in every household, walking seven kilometers or more because, being unpaid workers, they do not even have money for habal-habal fare just to make sure that the expectant mothers come for pre-natal checkups and that the kids get immunized on time.

I was able to listen to fathers, their skin dark and leathery, their hands and feet apparently hardened by heavy work, telling you how they volunteered to undergo non-scalpel vasectomy because “Mahirap ang buhay,” and they know they wouldn’t be able to ensure a good future for their kids if they keep ‘going forth and multiplying.’ They also fear for their wives’ health—they didn’t use to, but when they were reached by information that used to be concealed from them, they decided it’s time they do something.

I met brilliant doctors who could have made it big off shore, but are serving as Municipal Health Officers. Underpaid, underappreciated by the higher-ups, satisfied in treating patients in their tiny clinics. Dra. Jabonillo, Municipal Health Officer in Carmen, Bohol, is truly a classic. Two years ago, her husband died due to heart failure cause by a 2-hour strenuous tennis match. She tried to revive her husband herself, but he died on her watch because there was only so much CPR could do—the community hospital that she serves does not have defibrillator.

You would think she would get angry at the world, angry at the government, angry at the lack of facilities or the lack of manpower or the lack of hospital funds. She could have chosen to be angry, and she had every right to. What’s most admirable, most heroic about her is that she didn’t.

Two days after her husband’s burial, she was back at the hospital. Teaching and serving and healing and saving the lives of people who could hardly cough up money to pay for her services. If there is one thing I learned from her, it is this: they key to not be overwhelmed by your personal woes is to devote yourself to helping others solve theirs. If we are focused on something bigger than ourselves, then we stop questioning our significance or the meaning of our lives or why the hell we were even born. And we stop resorting to blame, freeing ourselves from the pressure of controlling that which is beyond our capacity and of the impossible burden of trying to change the world by our lonesome.

Like Dra. Jabonillo, it has long been my passion to focus my attention on things that work instead of worrying about things that don’t. I have faith in the power of Good News because if you believe things are working, you feel bolder, more able to vie for bigger things. Naniniwala akong mas madaling i-organisa at i-mobilize ang mga taong inspired at masaya kesa sa mga taong galit. Anger blinds and controls and consumes you. It distorts your perception by making you feel helpless and unsure of your own capacity to bring about change. Inspiration, on the other hand, opens your heart and mind to so many possibilities. It helps you hope. It helps you help others hope. It empowers you to do more. It empowers you to empower others who could, consequently, empower countless more. This project with UNFPA all the more reinforced the truth to this. 

Bagamat tunay na na-inspire ako at nabuksan ang mata ko sa napakaraming bagay dahil sa proyektong ito, ang dami ko ring naging tanong sa sarili.

Sa Eastern Samar, may in-interview kaming isang pedicab driver tungkol sa family planning. Ayon sa kanya, 120 daw pesos ang kayang ipunin sa loob ng maghapong pagmamaneho ng padyak. 50 pesos ay pupunta lang sa boundary. 70 pesos na lang ang maiuuwi nya sa pamilya. “Sakto na yun!” sabi ng haligi ng tahanan. And the wife agrees.

70 pesos na kita sa isang araw. Kayang bumuhay ng isang pamilyang may apat na anak.

Mula sa Samar hanggang makauwi ako ng Maynila, napaisip ako kung paano ko ginagastos ang pera ko. Kung sa Ortigas o Makati ka nagtatrabaho, ni hindi sasapat ang 70 pesos pang-lunch. Ang 1-piece chicken nga sa isang fastfood restaurant, lampas 70 pesos ang halaga. Hindi pa large ang drink mo nun!

Dahil sa commitment and inspiration na nakita ko sa mga pinuntahan naming baranggay, mas lalo tuloy akong naging kating-kati tumulong. Habang papauwi si Aling Rosa, in-interview namin na biktima ng Violence Against Women (VAW)—walang trabaho, mahigit sampung taong nagtiis ng pambubugbog ng asawa, gusto kong bumunot ng pera sa bulsa at ibigay sa kanya. Pero pinigil ko ang sarili ko. Naisip kong baka mapahiya sya kung basta abutan ko na lang sya. Naiintindihan ko rin naman kasi ang importansya ng may pinanghahawakan ka pa ring pride kahit papaano. Hindi ko na aalisin sa kanya yun.

Sa Sagada, pila-pila sa Rural Health Unit ang mga ina at amang dala-dala ang anak nila para ipa-immunize. Magkano ang halaga ng pagpapa-bakuna? Sampung piso.

SAMPUNG PISO!

Pootek. Eh kung mayroon pala akong isang libong piso, kaya kong magpa-immunize ng isang daang bata! Tipong pumunta ako sa isang komunidad na may 100 ang bilang ng mga babies at sabihing, “Tara, papa-bakunahan ko ang lahat ng mga bata sa baranggay na ito! Heto ang 1,000 pesos!”

Sa mga kaibigan natin, lagi nating sinasabi, “Wala na akong pera! Kawawa naman ako!” Pero paano nga ba natin ginagastos ang pera natin?

Napapaisip ako kung saan ko inuubos ang kinikita ko. Madalas akong nagsusunog ng mahigit 100 para sa isang serving ng kape. Samantalang sa ibang liblib na bahagi ng Pilipinas, makakapag-ensure ng health ng sampung bata ang 100 pesos na ito. 300 ang ibinabayad ko sa pagpapa-masahe at halos 500 para magpa-foot scrub dahil kailangan kong mag de-stress. Habang sa mga maliliit na baranggay sa sarili nating bansa, di mabilang ang mga pamilyang nagkakasya sa mas mababa pa sa 100 pesos kada araw na kinikita ng ama.

As professionals, lagi nating iniisip na lugi tayo, hindi tayo nababayaran ng tama. Bilang mga writers na lang, halimbawa, madalas na masama pa ang loob mo kung mababa sa sampung libo ang talent fee na ibinabayad ng kliyente para sa isang script. Kung tutuusin, may mga scripts na kayang-kaya namang isulat sa loob ng ilang oras. Sa totoo lang, at walang halong bola ito, minsan napapaisip ako kung bakit kailangang napaka-mahal nating sumingil—lalo na para sa isang bagay na gustong-gusto rin naman nating gawin. 

I couldn’t help but question the disparity. But if I were to be true to myself, alam kong hindi ko rin naman gugustuhin ang ganong buhay. Maraming beses na nakakaramdam ako ng guilt, lalo na sa tuwing pagkatapos kong bumaba sa komunidad at magpa-kwento sa mga tao doon ay uuwi ako sa hotel ko, bubuksan ang aircon, manonood ng satellite TV, magtatalukbong ng comforter, tapos io-on ang laptop. Wow, sarap buhay.

Ngayon, habang sinusulat ko ito, hindi malinaw sa akin kung anong punto ang gusto kong palabasin. Sa ngayon, gusto ko lang magsaad ng damdamin, kasi totoong sabay akong nabuhayan at sumama ang loob dahil sa mga katotohanang nakita ko.

Gusto ko kasi talagang tumulong pero paano? Nung birthday month ko nung May, nagbalak akong mag-fund raising activity para makapamigay ng school supplies sa mga batang mahihirap. Pero di ko rin naman nabigyan ng panahon.

Bukod dito, gaanong tulong ba ang sapat? Naalala ko tuloy yung isang character don sa panalo pero short-lived na TV series na 4400. Ang special power nya ay kaya nyang magpagaling ng mga may sakit. May nag-warn sa kanya na wag niyang ipaalam sa iba na kaya nya itong gawin dahil tiyak na aabusuhin sya. Pero minsan, may isang pulubi syang tinulungan. Ang sumunod na eksena ay isang katerbang mahihirap na tao ang pumipilit sa kanyang pagalingin silang lahat. Pero dahil limitado lang ang kanyang power, hindi nya rin kinayang tulungan silang lahat at nagalit pa yung mga tao sa kanya.

Sa ngayon, ang konkretong balakin ko muna ay gawin kung ano ang makakaya, hangga’t kaya. Isa rin itong imbitasyon sa inyong lahat na bumabasa nito na kahit iisa ka lang, meron ka ring magagawa tungo sa pagbabago. Pero wag nating ikasama ng loob na may hangganan ang kaya nating ibigay. Hindi lang naman kasi tayo ang may kapasidad tumulong, kaya ni wag na nating tangkaing pasanin ang problema ng lahat ng tao. May kanya-kanya tayong galing, may kanya-kanya tayong hilig, may kanya-kanya tayong interes. Kung lahat tayo susundin ang mga puso natin, hindi na natin kailangang magagaw-agawan para sa pwesto natin sa mundo.

Tawagin mo na akong baduy, pero OO, mataas ang pangarap ko para sa bansang ito. At alam kong ang paglalakbay patungo dito ay hindi madali at hindi mabilis. Pero alam ko ring hindi ito imposible. And sharing the wonderful news I personally witnessed is the first step I’m taking towards the fulfillment of this dream.

Sisimulan ko  ang hangaring tumulong na ito sa pagpo-post ng mga storyang sinulat ko para sa librong ginagawa namin for UNFPA. Gusto ko lang kasing ipagmalaki sa lahat ng may panahong magbasa ng blog na ito na napatunayan ko nang hindi totoong lahat ng institusyon ng gobyerno sa bansang ito ay bulok. Hindi lahat ng opisyal ng pamahalaan ay palpak. Hindi lahat ng taong mahirap ay tamad. Hindi lahat ng nagbibigay ng tulong ay may hidden agenda. Sa lahat ng munisipyong pinuntahan namin sa Sagada, Bohol, Eastern Samar, Catanduanes at Navotas, may mga volunteers na napaka-passionate sa pagtulong sa kani-kanilang komunidad—kahit wala silang bayad, kahit walang medal, kahit wala silang direktang napapala. Sana may ma-inspire naman kahit papaano.

Ikaw, ano ang unang hakbang towards nation-building mo?